Looking up!

I have always compared my mind to a radio stuck between frequencies where the listener is hearing multiple voices, which are all garbled and make no sense. There are lyrics being sung and the tune may sound familiar but too warped to be enjoyable. Then on top of all this there is static...lots of static.The dial is broken and the volume is stuck on maximum. Since all of this is going on inside your head no one else can hear it nor can you really explain it.

My little "radio" has played for so long in this manner that i just figured it would always be that way. It has frustrated many efforts to communicate with others, my ability to think calmly and rationally and it has kept me up many hours while everyone else was sleeping. I am almost suprised when others cannot hear these things going on inside because to me it seems so loud.

When i talked with my doctor a couple of weeks ago i took my husband back with me. After suffering from depression for so long i forget what normal is. Depression has been my normal so much of my life. So i asked Jeremy to come back with me to tell his side of the story. The doctor listened to both of us and then he prescribed Effexor.

We left the office that day and i was afraid to get my hopes up but i tried it anyway. I'm glad i did.

I still have a way to go. My emotions are still evening out. There are still moments of anxiety and moments of numbness. Writing, which has always been so easy for me, continues to be an area of struggle. This is very hard on me.

The good news is my thinking is clearer. You would think that would be conducive to more writing but i just have to believe that will come in time.

Well, i have done what i set out to do-get some thoughts out. And for what it's worth, i am looking up!