ch...ch...ch...Changes!

With all the changes in my life these days i felt it was time to change the look of my blog too. It is something i have wanted to do for a while but i just figured i didn't have the time or it would be too complicated for my technologically unadvanced mine. Was i glad to be proven wrong.
Now this change was not something i took lightly. First, i scrolled through as many backgrounds as i could find. Some were a little too fancy for my taste. Others just didn't appeal to me at all. Then i came across the one you see here. I loved it because it reminded me of the elements of nature that i love so much: water, earth and sky. As you can probably tell from the pictures i post i love being outside. When i listen to the wind in the trees and watch water flow and cascade over rocks or observe butterflies frolic among the flowers i believe God is maybe showing off for me a bit and teaching me valuable lessons as i explore this world around me.
Even the colors i chose represent aspects of nature, like brown for soil, purple and pink for the sky as it changes color in the early morning and as the sun goes down in the evening.
The Scripture i placed under the title is an answer to prayer. New Year's Eve morning during my quiet time i asked God to give me verses of encouragement for the new year. Minutes after saying that prayer i came across Zephaniah 3:17 in my Bible study. "The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
Reading it that first time was enough to convince me this was God's answer. I have written it in my journal, printed it on my calendar and i even posted it on my Facebook wall. It has come encouraged me in so many ways as i think of God standing beside me, rescuing me, rejoicing over me and singing over me. Now i can definitely dance to that!
Speaking of dancing, do you hear that music? Yes, i also got my playlist to play like i want it to. Yay!
As i have mentioned before i do love music...all kinds of music. And this is a small sampling of some of my favorites. The titles will probably change from time to time and i do hope to share my thoughts on the different songs. That is something i had intended to do anyway but have not kept up with it like i had hoped. Looks like another change is about to take place.
Well, that appears to be it for now...but you never know with change. If and when that might change i will let you know.

Got Passion?

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"And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:17 Question #2: Interests and passions: What do you enjoy doing most? If you had a free day to yourself, what would you be found doing? It comes as no suprise that my interests and passions all invlove using the gifts, talents and skills listed in my answer to the first question. Exhortation and service: i love listening to people as they speak. I really am interested in hearing their stories,hopes and anything else they want to share. I used to wish i talked more but i am starting to realize that sometimes people just want to be heard. They aren't necessarliy looking for me to come back with answers or quick responses. I thank Jeremy and Tonya for helping me come to this realization. Being a listener helps me to better serve, which is something else i love to do. I also love to read. Fiction,non-fiction,biographical,poetry...you name it i'll read it! Books are like friends to me. They teach and inspire me. Then there is my love for music, dance, writing, photography, creating and nature. Could i fit all of this into just one day? If i sit here much longer i am sure i can think of more to add to this list but it has been fun to think about. The sad thing is that it has taken this challenge to help me consider my passions. After so many years of trying to be what i thought others thought i should be i lost sight of who God created me to be. Now i just want to focus on becoming that woman.

Remember the Little Girl

I asked God this week exactly when i stopped dancing. When did fear rob me of my sense of adventure and turn me into the wallflower who desperately wants to be noticed but is so afraid of being seen? The thought that kept coming to me was this, "Remember the little girl". One thing i have never been able to forget is the little girl. That little girl was and is me. Though by all outward appearances i am a woman, the little girl is still trapped inside. This little girl stopped dancing the day Grandmama died. I was 8 years old. Grandmama was my world, my best friend and the one who always told me i could do or be anything i put my mind to. She made me feel beautiful and special. Grandmama also nurtured my love for music and dance. She paid for my dance lessons and sewed my costumes for recital. At Christmas she would play "Little Drummer Boy" over and over for me. She must have tired of it but because i loved the song and requested it time after time whe would patiently pick up the needle and place it in just the right spot and the music would start all over again. My last memory of Grandmama is of walking through the airport, where we took her and Grandaddy to board a plane for California to visit my cousins. It was her birthday and Mama had baked her a cake so we had a little celebration before leaving for the airport. As Grandmama and i walked through the airport we were making plans of things we do when she returned. We never got the chance. Grandmama died of a stroke as their plane flew over Texas. Mama and Daddy woke my sister and me with the news. A lot of what happened after that is a blur. I went to the funeral home to see Grandmama one last time and she looked like she was sleeping. Two women behind me whispered, "She wants to touch her". Funny, the things i remember so many years later. I didn't go to the funeral. I couldn't, it hurt too much. Mama told me i would regret it if i did not go. She was right but i couldn't see that at the time. All i did know was that i was hurting very deeply and it is a hurt i have never overcome but with the passage of time the hurt has become such a part of me that it is all i have known for almost 30 years. This hurt has caused me to live in constant fear and to retreat from others. Since that time i have put people into two catergories: those i could never please and would never love me and those who maybe cared but for some reason would never stay around. I became a real people pleaser because i didn't want to disappoint or draw attention to myself yet i never lost the longing to be beautiful and to be noticed. Somewhere along the way i convinced myself that i must not let others see my hurt and know my pain. To numb the pain, i turned to food. It has never worked but i keep going back to it anyway. In all of this i also lost sight of who i am. Until yesterday i didn't even realize the anger i felt towards God. So there were no classes at Front Porch Academy yesterday because i was learning to grieve. It has been like losing Grandmama all over again and i am so frustrated because since i have suppressed it for so long i can't even cry like i want. Writing this has helped release some healing tears but there is still a "wall" that must come down. In between crying out to God and asking "why" i am also asking Him to show me how to bring down this wall. In my turmoil i have been turning to the food as usual and i can't help but feel that that may be at least part of the wall. In the meantime, the little girl is crying out for release and the thought occurs to me, "The little girl must be set free so the woman can dance". God, help me!