Looking Ahead

With the end of the school year only a couple of weeks away the kids and i are anticipating all the activites planned for this summer.
We will be starting the season with VBS and church camp. Then there is art camp, field trips and play dates with friends. There other activities we hope to participate in like reading programs, movies at the drive-in and bike rides in the park.
While these things are all good and i am really looking forward to all of them i do intend to start each day in quiet time and prayer. In the hours that the children are in VBS and other endeavors i plan to take advantage of the peace and quiet to spend time in meditation and reflection.
I am missing creative time as well. So much of my time in the last year has been spent running and doing. So little of my time has been spent just listening to God. It is time to slow down and change that. God is the One who inspires creativity and gives peace. Time without Him saps creativity and destroys peace.
What i desire more than anything else right now is to spend my time drawing closer to God, enjoying my relationship with Him and with others He has blessed my life with. In doing these things i know it is going to be a really great summer and an awesome time of growth in Him. I pray that i will stick to this plan and continue through every season of my life.

Arise, Shine

“Arise,shine; For your light has come! And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you.” Isaiah 60:1

Thank You,God,for guiding me to this Scripture. As soon as i read it i knew it was what i needed to hear. God, You gave me my love of writing, art and other forms of expression and for awhile i really did enjoy writing and drawing whenever and on whatever i could. That was mostly as a child. As i got older i started looking at others and measuring myself against them. After that nothing i ever did was good enough in my eyes. Then fear set in so that even when i wanted to write or draw i wouldn’t because i had convinced myself i couldn’t do it-at least not the way i thought it should be done. Now i look back, all these years later, and i am filled with regret. Because of my regret i find myself trying to force creativity and that is just as bad as stifling it. I also still struggle with my crazy self-expectations. The trash can is filled with art that did not meet those expectations. Notebooks are filled with papers that contain words i have written but won’t share because they don’t sound “right” to me. These words from Isaiah really speak to me today because they remind me it is all it is all about You and not me. You give me what i need to rise and it is Your light that makes me shine. It is for Your glory that i am to write and create. Your hands guide the pen and pencil or whatever medium You desire. You are inspiration! This is what i have forgotten and i thank You, Father, for reminding me. Help me to remember.

As I Wait...

Though i am thoroughly convinced i am in waiting right now i'm not so sure exactly what it is i am waiting for but i feel it involves writing, photography, creativity and maybe even speaking. How can i make such a claim when at first i say i am not sure? I can say it because i have always dreamed of it and desired it while at the same time fearing it and believing i could never do it. Let's face it, i am not much of a talker. I get lost in a crowd and i am forever struggling with loneliness and feelings of inadequacy. Then there is also the overwhelming fear of failure. And as much as i hate to admit it, i deal with an eating disorder, or food addiction. Whatever you call it i've got it and have had it for as long as i can remember. To say i am dealing with it actually is not true. A more accurate statement would be, i give into it. I pray about it, ask forgiveness for it, promise not give in so easily but continue to fail every time. My prayer now goes like this: "God, i want to make the promise to stay in Your arms but the crushing reality of all my broken promises in the past prevent me from making any such bold claims now. Please forgive me for my failures and lack of trust. Help me to choose faithfulness and to remain faithful as You are faithful to me." So what does this have to do with my present wait? Everything! Week 5 of "When Wallflowers Dance" is titled, "Until It's Your Turn" and it deals with the whole subject of waiting. Day 2 of week 5 instructs the reader to entrust and trust. We are to entrust to God whatever we consider valuable in our lives. Why is it so hard for me to entrust Him with my hopes and dreams, loneliness, fears, addiction and longing for friendship? When will i learn to stop looking for clarity and just trust Him? I believe that is where i am in this wait right now. Learning to entrust and trust. Unfortunately it feels my failure keeps sending me back to the end of the line. God asks me to wait patiently. If i am to do that i must trust Him completely; His purposes, His plans, His promises and His timing. To this i cry out, "Lord, help my unbelief!".

Got Passion?

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"And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:17 Question #2: Interests and passions: What do you enjoy doing most? If you had a free day to yourself, what would you be found doing? It comes as no suprise that my interests and passions all invlove using the gifts, talents and skills listed in my answer to the first question. Exhortation and service: i love listening to people as they speak. I really am interested in hearing their stories,hopes and anything else they want to share. I used to wish i talked more but i am starting to realize that sometimes people just want to be heard. They aren't necessarliy looking for me to come back with answers or quick responses. I thank Jeremy and Tonya for helping me come to this realization. Being a listener helps me to better serve, which is something else i love to do. I also love to read. Fiction,non-fiction,biographical,poetry...you name it i'll read it! Books are like friends to me. They teach and inspire me. Then there is my love for music, dance, writing, photography, creating and nature. Could i fit all of this into just one day? If i sit here much longer i am sure i can think of more to add to this list but it has been fun to think about. The sad thing is that it has taken this challenge to help me consider my passions. After so many years of trying to be what i thought others thought i should be i lost sight of who God created me to be. Now i just want to focus on becoming that woman.

Homeschooling: The Thrill is Back!

This image of children having fun learning and enjoying the great outdoors is brought to you compliments of "My Father's World-Exploring Countries and Cultures". Since our first day of school last Monday(8-11) some interesting things have been taking place. The children and i are thoroughly enjoying homeschooling again! We try to start school every day at 8:00. No problem. They are ready and ASKING to start school at 7:30! Brogan and Reece were actually disappointed when we didn't have school over the weekend. Rachel enjoys reading and would rather help me with her brothers who are in Kindergarten and working through "My Father's World From A to Z"than play the Wii. She now says she wants to be a teacher. The little ones are so excited to be learning the days of creation,numbers and the alphabet. The older two are fascinated by geography,science and learning about different countries and cultures. I am feeling much smarter myself! As their teacher i am relearning so much of what i have forgotten over the years. "My Father's World" has also sparked everyone's creativity, including my own. We have music and art three days a week because creativity is very much encouraged in this curriculum. Every Wednesday we enjoy a Nature Walk and that is what we are doing in this picture. This was our first one, we are eagerly awaiting tomorrow's walk when we will start our leaf and bark collection. To say that i am thoroughy impressed with MFW would be an undersatement. This is the curriculum i have so desperately seeking since we started homeschooling 4 years ago. I am so grateful a friend told me about "My Father's World" and thank God for this wonderful opportunity to teach my children in what is turning out be a great adventure! Stay tuned readers, there will be more to share in the days and weeks ahead...

Why i Journal

Though i have always loved to write it has only been in the last four years that i have journaled consistently. During this time i have filled three journals and i am presently working on my fourth. I have also started a seperate journal for my family's homeschooling journey. The reasons i enjoy journaling are numerous but i will share a few with you. One reason is because i write much better than i speak. I may not always be able to orally express what i am feeling but give me a pen and paper and i can tell you in writing. Even if i am not so sure of how i am feeling or why i feel the way i do if i try to write it seems to make more sense and usually by the time i am done i do feel better. When i have trouble praying vocally i start writing my prayers. It helps me to focus. Another neat thing about journaling is that it usually ends in praise and thanksgiving! That is why i often refer to my journals as "my psalms". Journaling gets my creative juices flowing as well. Sometimes i even draw in my journal. It was through journaling that i was inspired to start blogging. One more reason i love to journal is because i am leaving a legacy for my children. It is my hope that when they read my writings someday they may learn more about me and maybe even learn from my experiences. Rachel has already started writing on her own and it makes me glad that she is realizing at her young age the importance and joy of journaling.

No More Fear

What you see here is my little "creative corner". It is situated in a tiny spot in our classroom/study. Contained within my creative corner are watercolors, pastels, pencils, paintbrushes, various kinds of art paper and an assortment of craft supplies. It has taken me a few years to acquire everything. Unfortunately, there is still something missing: creativity. I do have my excuses: not enough time, need more room, no good ideas....so many excuses. The truth is, i am afraid. I'm afraid i won't be any good and everyone will know that i am no good. I am so afraid that i will find that it was my own wishful thinking and not God who told me i am an artist. It was just last week that i was talking with my oldest son, Brogan, who wants to be an archealogist. Even before seeing "Indiana Jones", he has enjoyed digging in the dirt around the house in search of lost treasures. So it surprised me when he announced he no longer wanted to be an archealogist. When i asked him why he told me he was afraid of being hurt or killed. First, i explained to him that "Indiana Jones" was a fictional character and though the movie was fun to watch it really didn't accurately portray the life of an archealogist. I assured him that archealogy might be interesting and pretty exciting but that i doubted he would be find himself in the struggles that Indy does in the movies. And because Brogan is so much like me when it comes to fears i told him that he shouln't let fear stand in the way of his dreams. I told him how God has given each of us talents and desires to do things that are sometimes difficult but when with His help we perservere He does great things through us. It was also time for me to share how i have let fear discourage me to the point that i have missed out, how it hurt to think of the time and talent wasted and how i still struggle. I hope Brogan and i both learn from our conversation. Help us, God, to give You our fears.