Sometimes

Sometimes i question it, sometimes i doubt it; try as i might i can not figure it out. Sometimes i deny it, sometimes i fight it; yet nothing i do can ever change it. Sometimes i feel it so strong, sometimes i don’t feel it at all; regardless of how i feel it is always there. Sometimes i show it to others, sometimes i withhold it from the ones i should show it most; but whether i show it or not it is very real. It is Your love, Heavenly Father, that i sometimes question, sometimes doubt, sometimes deny and sometimes fight. When i do these things i am doing them unto You. But just as my feelings change from day to day, Your love is always the same. Forgive me, Father, and help me to show Your love to all people; even those who seem unlovable because You have always shown Your love to me.

This Writer's Condition

I just want to apologize up front if i offend anyone but i can think of no better term to describe my frustration over the last month or so. It is a condition that hits me ever so often and when it does all i can think is i am "mentally constipated". In my head are all these ideas and thoughts but it seems there is no way of expressing them. Most people would probably refer to this as writer's block but constipation seems more appropriate to me. It is as if all my senses shut down while my mind goes into hyper-drive. Whether i try to speak it or write it i am met only with more frustration. So last week my condition actually came to a point where i started to really feel sorry for myself. The "constipation" was affecting every area of my life and not only was i suffering but so was everyone else who was around me any length of time. The kids had a grumpy teacher and my husband had a miserable wife. What comforted me at this time was this Scripture: "Also, the Spirit helps us with our weakness. We do not know how to pray as we should. But the Spirit himself speaks to God for us, even begs God for us with deep feelings that words cannot explain." Romans 8:26 What a relief to know that even as i struggled to find the words to say to God, the Spirit was speaking for me! How many times have i just thrown my arms up and said, "God, i just don't know."? How many times did i go to bed asking Him to just get me through the night? And how many times was i able to rest even though i still had no answers and words seemed to fall flat? I cannot tell you. But i can tell you this, the Spirit spoke and God sustained me. The fog is slowly lifting. It has always been my experience that there are times of fog. At these times my vision is very limited and what i can see doesn't always make a lot of sense. What i am learning through the fog is that God is still in control and He can see right through the fog. Nothing is hidden from Him. And where is He? He is guiding me every step of the way!

Why i Journal

Though i have always loved to write it has only been in the last four years that i have journaled consistently. During this time i have filled three journals and i am presently working on my fourth. I have also started a seperate journal for my family's homeschooling journey. The reasons i enjoy journaling are numerous but i will share a few with you. One reason is because i write much better than i speak. I may not always be able to orally express what i am feeling but give me a pen and paper and i can tell you in writing. Even if i am not so sure of how i am feeling or why i feel the way i do if i try to write it seems to make more sense and usually by the time i am done i do feel better. When i have trouble praying vocally i start writing my prayers. It helps me to focus. Another neat thing about journaling is that it usually ends in praise and thanksgiving! That is why i often refer to my journals as "my psalms". Journaling gets my creative juices flowing as well. Sometimes i even draw in my journal. It was through journaling that i was inspired to start blogging. One more reason i love to journal is because i am leaving a legacy for my children. It is my hope that when they read my writings someday they may learn more about me and maybe even learn from my experiences. Rachel has already started writing on her own and it makes me glad that she is realizing at her young age the importance and joy of journaling.

Forgiveness

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13 Chapter 4 of "The Creative Call" deals with forgiveness. I don't know how many times i thought i have forgiven those who have hurt or offended me only to have resentment rise up and smack me in the face when i least expect it. As i read through this chapter many of those past hurts have resurfaced again. One of the first things we are instructed to do in the book is to write the names of people i need to forgive and then we are to write a letter to one of those people telling him or her what they have done to discourage my dream of becoming an artist. My list really wasn' t very long-4 names to be exact. One of those names is my own. I have been stalling on writing the letter because i couldn't decide which would be most beneficial. It probably doesn't matter anyway because i would be the only person to ever see the letter but i do have a way of making things more difficult than they need to be. Finally, i decided to take the matter to God in my quiet time this morning. As i wrote my thoughts down in my journal the realization came to me that the grievances i held against these people were the same grievances i hold against myself. The hurtful things they said or did are the same as i said or did against myself. Maybe their actions were even motivated by the same emotions i feel: fear, overwhelm and uncertainty. From this perspective i do feel more compassion than resentment and with compassion comes forgiveness. While i am not all there yet, i do feel hopeful. I am also hopeful that God will take care of my overwhelming feelings as long as i take them to Him first.