A Prayer

This morning i am fighting a losing battle with distraction and my thoughts are running amok.

Please help me to gather my thoughts and bring each one to You, Lord!

My days are busy. Things seem so chaotic at times. My appetite is great so i fill it with food when what i am really starved for is more of You.



It's not that You have left me, Your faithfulness to me is never ending. But i have neglected my time with You. You are always there but my mind is in so many places and my hours are jammed with things to do and places to go.



Why is it when we need the most to slow down that we have convinced ourselves we have too much to get done?



I had hoped to end this with all the right answers but now i can see it is just going to take more time. And my time is what You want. For it is where i spend most of my time that my heart is. Right now that is a pretty scary thought.



Father, You have given me all that i have and that includes time. Help me to be a better steward of all You have given me.

Strength in Struggle

Until last night it had been almost 9 months since my last post. Those months have been filled with all kinds activity pertaining to school, church and other pursuits. In some ways the days have flown by while in other ways it seemed the days would never end. Along the way i have learned some things about myself and witnessed the faithfulness of God-even when i have been less than faithful.

With only a few more weeks left of school i am looking forward to a break from class and studies. This will be the first summer in many years that i will not be teaching VBS. I will miss it but i do think i need the break. There are many things i want to work on in myself before starting a new school year. These are things that really need to be worked on and time needs to be taken to ensure that my best efforts are made.

I thank God for being so patient with me and lovingly showing me the weaknesses and hinderances that continually cause me to struggle. Only with His help can i effectively deal with these issues and only as i deal with them can i be of service to God and others.

In the days and weeks that follow i hope to document my progress in the hopes of encouraging others who may be struggling with similar issues. However God uses me and my story i know it will be for the best. Already He has used to encourage others who deal with depression, anxiety and perfectionism. So i am really looking forward to seeing how He uses me and strengthens me as i confess to Him and others my struggles with an eating disorder.

My hope is that whoever reads this will be strengthened and encouraged as God strengthens and encourages me.

Spiritual Fruitiness

“He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall propser.” Psalm 1:3

Sometimes i can be a bad apple, sometimes a real lemon. On a good day you might say i am peachy keen. Good or bad i am bearing fruit of some kind. If i am to be known by my “fruitiness” let it be the fruits of the Spirit that they see in me.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.” Galatians 5:22

Help me, Lord!

What is it that holds me back,

standing in the shadows,

at the edge of the light?

Is it fear that paralyzes,

doubt that denies

or pride that defies?

Whatever it may be,

Lord, help me to see,

Your love is greater than these.

Your faithfulness is deeper than the seas.

Your grace has given me life,

Now You want to end my strife.

Lord, help my unbelief,

That keeps me in constant grief!

Who or What is Shaping you?

Today i did something that i have not done in a while. It was while i was sitting outside enjoying the beautiful weather and reading a good book that i stretched out on the bench of our picnic table and started watching the clouds.

From where i lay i observed a terrier dog being pursued by a dragon, a poodle with his nose stuck up in the air and the grimacing face of an old angry woman. Of course, the scene changed many times as the clouds formed and reformed many different times. The slightest breeze would blow and suddenly the cloud would take on a whole new look.

All of this did make for interesting viewing and such a neat way to pass the time on a lazy day, but it did make me think. Am i like a cloud and changing with the wind? Is my countenance so easily altered by my surroundings?

Yikes! The more i thought about these things the more i began to wonder. I would love to say that i am not swayed by the "winds" of others opinion of me, my circumstances or whatever winds may be blowing at the time. But the truth is i am too easily swayed by those winds instead of letting myself be formed by the hands of God.

The good news is God showed me this truth not to condemn me but to teach me and guide me. I love how He uses nature to remind me of His goodness and faithfulness toward all His creation! The more i see the more i want to know about this God who loves me so much and the more i know about Him the more secure i become in His hands.

So i will continue to watch the clouds whenever i get the chance and as i do i will be listening for that still small voice...

Thank You, Father, for Your wonderful, beautiful creation and all that it tells us about You.

Father, I am beginning to know how much I miss when I fail to talk to thee in prayer, and through prayer to recieve into my life the strength and the guidance which only thou canst give. Forgive me for the pride and the presumption that make me continue to struggle to manage my own affairs to the exhaustion of my body, the weariness of my mind, the trial of my faith.
Let not, I pray, any future forgetfulness of mine, or a false sense of self-sufficiency, any spiritual laziness, or doubt of thy faithfulness keep me from taking everything to thee in prayer.
And now, I thank thee that the fresh breath of heaven is even now blowing away the close, damp air of all my failure, of every doubt and fear. I ask thee for that soul tonic of prayer that shall reburnish my faith, brighten my hope, revive and rekindle my love. In thy name, I pray. Amen.
Peter Marshall

As I Wait...

Though i am thoroughly convinced i am in waiting right now i'm not so sure exactly what it is i am waiting for but i feel it involves writing, photography, creativity and maybe even speaking. How can i make such a claim when at first i say i am not sure? I can say it because i have always dreamed of it and desired it while at the same time fearing it and believing i could never do it. Let's face it, i am not much of a talker. I get lost in a crowd and i am forever struggling with loneliness and feelings of inadequacy. Then there is also the overwhelming fear of failure. And as much as i hate to admit it, i deal with an eating disorder, or food addiction. Whatever you call it i've got it and have had it for as long as i can remember. To say i am dealing with it actually is not true. A more accurate statement would be, i give into it. I pray about it, ask forgiveness for it, promise not give in so easily but continue to fail every time. My prayer now goes like this: "God, i want to make the promise to stay in Your arms but the crushing reality of all my broken promises in the past prevent me from making any such bold claims now. Please forgive me for my failures and lack of trust. Help me to choose faithfulness and to remain faithful as You are faithful to me." So what does this have to do with my present wait? Everything! Week 5 of "When Wallflowers Dance" is titled, "Until It's Your Turn" and it deals with the whole subject of waiting. Day 2 of week 5 instructs the reader to entrust and trust. We are to entrust to God whatever we consider valuable in our lives. Why is it so hard for me to entrust Him with my hopes and dreams, loneliness, fears, addiction and longing for friendship? When will i learn to stop looking for clarity and just trust Him? I believe that is where i am in this wait right now. Learning to entrust and trust. Unfortunately it feels my failure keeps sending me back to the end of the line. God asks me to wait patiently. If i am to do that i must trust Him completely; His purposes, His plans, His promises and His timing. To this i cry out, "Lord, help my unbelief!".