Strength in Struggle

Until last night it had been almost 9 months since my last post. Those months have been filled with all kinds activity pertaining to school, church and other pursuits. In some ways the days have flown by while in other ways it seemed the days would never end. Along the way i have learned some things about myself and witnessed the faithfulness of God-even when i have been less than faithful.

With only a few more weeks left of school i am looking forward to a break from class and studies. This will be the first summer in many years that i will not be teaching VBS. I will miss it but i do think i need the break. There are many things i want to work on in myself before starting a new school year. These are things that really need to be worked on and time needs to be taken to ensure that my best efforts are made.

I thank God for being so patient with me and lovingly showing me the weaknesses and hinderances that continually cause me to struggle. Only with His help can i effectively deal with these issues and only as i deal with them can i be of service to God and others.

In the days and weeks that follow i hope to document my progress in the hopes of encouraging others who may be struggling with similar issues. However God uses me and my story i know it will be for the best. Already He has used to encourage others who deal with depression, anxiety and perfectionism. So i am really looking forward to seeing how He uses me and strengthens me as i confess to Him and others my struggles with an eating disorder.

My hope is that whoever reads this will be strengthened and encouraged as God strengthens and encourages me.

Through the fog

This is the view i woke up to this morning. It is much like the fog that has shrouded my thoughts and mental outlook these last few months. I don't know exactly when this latest bout of depression started but i do know it has lingered for quite a while.

Things have really come to a head in the last week as the past five nights i have awakened around two and not been able to get back to sleep. During this time i have tried to pray but end up getting mad at God and saying things that have opened my eyes to the severity of my emotional state. It is only after being completely honest with God and myself that i finally cry myself to sleep.

Depression is definitely not new to me but each time i go through a depression i learn something new about myself. I have tried to combat my depression in different ways: prayer, after awhile i don't know what to say anymore and prayer becomes more and more difficult which fuels the depression; busying myself with mindless activities-never works; binge eating-depresses me more; and isolating myself which adds anger and loneliness to my depression. I could go on but i think you get the picture.

I have avoided medication because the one time i did try it it reacted to another medication i was taking for epilepsy at the same time. Then everyone else has a horror story to share about someone they knew who took...(fill in the blanks)...and they...(fill in the blanks). Myself, being someone who has also always struggled with fear it doesn't take much to convince me not to try medication again.

Different doctors have talked to me about different medications available but i have always resisted. Then, yesterday i picked up the March 2009 copy of "Homelife" and read the story by Chonda Pierce where she tells of her struggle with depression. As she talked about the heaviness and the darkness of depression i knew i could have written those words myself. I have used those very words to describe what i have been feeling to my husband and to the different doctors i have talked with over the years.

When Chonda Pierce talks about being reluctant to try medication then deciding that she feared the darkness of depression more than she feared taking the medicine, i realized that is where i am now. After talking it over with my husband i called my doctor and now have an appointment on Monday.

So now i am looking at this picture of a foggy landscape and remembering how in a matter of time the sun came out, melted the fog away and brightened the world again. I believe the same is about to happen for me. For so long depression has clouded my view of life and of God but with His help and guidance and with the right medication the cloud can and will be lifted. I will see the sun again!

Another interesting thing about this picture is that it is beautiful in its own way. We may not wish for fog but when we can look at it from a different perspective than just seeing it as a nuisance we can see the beauty within. I did not ask for depression but because of depression i have come to see God's faithfulness and the love of God expressed through my family during very difficult circumstances. God is teaching me to see the beauty in all things and that is a lesson i am trying hard to learn and to pass on to others.

That is what i am doing now by sharing my story here. It is my hope to share more as the days go by. In the process i hope to hear from others that we can encourage each other.

Weekend Challenge: #4

"Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." Galatians 5:25I used to wonder why it was so hard for me find and maintain friendships. It confused me why so many seemed to think of me as an odd combination of June Cleaver,Martha Stewart and Mother Teresa. As a wife and mother they thought i cooked every meal from scratch and kept an immaculate home while raising children who resembled the Brady Bunch. As a homemaker they figured i was creative and organized. While doing all of this, it also seemed i had the patience of a saint. Nothing could have been further from the truth. So where were people getting these ideas? I asked myself this question so many times, it didn't seem i would ever know the answer. Then i prayed and asked God to show me where the miscommunication was taking place. As it turns out I was the one giving everyone that impression! In my eagerness to have friends and to be a friend i was trying hard not to appear needy or too weak. I loved to listen to what others were saying about their lives and families but shared very little about myself. It is a fear thing but it is also very arrogant. Where i had sympathy and compassion for others and their struggles i had none for myself. What i finally realized i was saying was that it was okay for everyone else to struggle but i was supposed to be different somehow. This has not been a fun lesson, no one wants to think they are so arrogant but that is exactly what i have been. So instead of beating myself up, which has been the practice all my life, i am working on my communication skills. Sometimes it is the hardest thing for me to admit that i need help and then ask for it. But with much prayer and God's help i am learning. That is one item on on my list of areas where i am working to improve. Second on my list is getting exercise daily. This one just got a lot easier with the gift of a Wii Fit. Now i try to walk in the morning and in the afternoon i do a few minutes on the Wii. The kids and i are all enjoying it! Number three is getting to bed earlier and the last three nights have been successful. That makes it a lot easier to get up in the morning for my "quiet time"(something else i am trying to work at) and a walk. By the time i have taken my shower and had my breakfast i am in a much better frame of mind. There are other items to add to my list but for now i feel this is a good start.

The Evening Walk

Today has been one of those days where to do anything has been a struggle. Whether it was homeschooling or cleaning the kitchen, i've just done it all with the attitude that i was going to get it done regardless of how i felt. However, i did continue to talk myself out of my not so daily daily walk. "It's just too hot, i'm too busy, it would be so much easier if i had someone to walk with,...". Is this resonating with anyone? Well, finally six o'clock rolls around and i know i need to take this walk but i just don't want to, but after a few minutes of enternal struggle i have to admit that continuing to argue is doing me no good. So i head out the door, do some stretching and start walking. My first round around the driveway, i see a bright orange glow in the trees and suddenly my eyes fill with tears. The glow is the sun setting in the sky and God's reminder that i am not alone as i walk. As i make my second round i am thinking i need to get my camera. Now i am running. I don't want to miss this! By the time i run inside, grab my camera and make it back to the front yard, the sun has moved. No problem. I cross the road to get a better shot. (And now you know why charis crossed the road. Bad joke, but i couldn't resist!) As the sun sank lower and lower in the evening sky, i took picture after picture to get as many as i could. When i finally returned to my walk i was filled with excitement and inspiration. Yes, i still had the camera strapped around my neck too, just in case God had something else to show me and He did-but that is another post. Before i knew it 35 minutes had passed and i could have kept walking but the kids were too quiet, so i came back inside. The kids were fine and i was feeling a lot better than when i went out and so much better than i have in the last couple of days. The moral of my little story is that sometimes we have to do things we don't necessarily want to do but when we do do them we are better because of it and it also helps to know God is always with us. He never leaves us, we are the ones who walk away from Him but even then He does not give up on us. Thank You, Father, for evening walks,sunsets and lessons taught.