This is the view i woke up to this morning. It is much like the fog that has shrouded my thoughts and mental outlook these last few months. I don't know exactly when this latest bout of depression started but i do know it has lingered for quite a while.
Things have really come to a head in the last week as the past five nights i have awakened around two and not been able to get back to sleep. During this time i have tried to pray but end up getting mad at God and saying things that have opened my eyes to the severity of my emotional state. It is only after being completely honest with God and myself that i finally cry myself to sleep.
Depression is definitely not new to me but each time i go through a depression i learn something new about myself. I have tried to combat my depression in different ways: prayer, after awhile i don't know what to say anymore and prayer becomes more and more difficult which fuels the depression; busying myself with mindless activities-never works; binge eating-depresses me more; and isolating myself which adds anger and loneliness to my depression. I could go on but i think you get the picture.
I have avoided medication because the one time i did try it it reacted to another medication i was taking for epilepsy at the same time. Then everyone else has a horror story to share about someone they knew who took...(fill in the blanks)...and they...(fill in the blanks). Myself, being someone who has also always struggled with fear it doesn't take much to convince me not to try medication again.
Different doctors have talked to me about different medications available but i have always resisted. Then, yesterday i picked up the March 2009 copy of "Homelife" and read the story by Chonda Pierce where she tells of her struggle with depression. As she talked about the heaviness and the darkness of depression i knew i could have written those words myself. I have used those very words to describe what i have been feeling to my husband and to the different doctors i have talked with over the years.
When Chonda Pierce talks about being reluctant to try medication then deciding that she feared the darkness of depression more than she feared taking the medicine, i realized that is where i am now. After talking it over with my husband i called my doctor and now have an appointment on Monday.
So now i am looking at this picture of a foggy landscape and remembering how in a matter of time the sun came out, melted the fog away and brightened the world again. I believe the same is about to happen for me. For so long depression has clouded my view of life and of God but with His help and guidance and with the right medication the cloud can and will be lifted. I will see the sun again!
Another interesting thing about this picture is that it is beautiful in its own way. We may not wish for fog but when we can look at it from a different perspective than just seeing it as a nuisance we can see the beauty within. I did not ask for depression but because of depression i have come to see God's faithfulness and the love of God expressed through my family during very difficult circumstances. God is teaching me to see the beauty in all things and that is a lesson i am trying hard to learn and to pass on to others.
That is what i am doing now by sharing my story here. It is my hope to share more as the days go by. In the process i hope to hear from others that we can encourage each other.
