Should I or Shouldn't I?

I have been considering for some time doing a food journal. From what i have heard from others it has been helpful for them.
It wouldn't be the first time i have tried this. My first attempts at doing a food journal were not successful at all.
My problem is i already know i eat way more than i should and i don't see where keeping a journal will actually help. Journaling my thoughts and prayers has always helped but when it comes to journaling my eating habits i tend to become more frustrated and give up after a few entries. My other problem is i tend to be a bit of a perfectionist and can be so anal about how i do things.
Still i do feel i need to give this another try. Making excuses has gotten me nowhere.
If anyone reading this has ever kept a food journal i would love to hear from you. Guess i could just use a little encouragement right now.

Strength in Struggle

Until last night it had been almost 9 months since my last post. Those months have been filled with all kinds activity pertaining to school, church and other pursuits. In some ways the days have flown by while in other ways it seemed the days would never end. Along the way i have learned some things about myself and witnessed the faithfulness of God-even when i have been less than faithful.

With only a few more weeks left of school i am looking forward to a break from class and studies. This will be the first summer in many years that i will not be teaching VBS. I will miss it but i do think i need the break. There are many things i want to work on in myself before starting a new school year. These are things that really need to be worked on and time needs to be taken to ensure that my best efforts are made.

I thank God for being so patient with me and lovingly showing me the weaknesses and hinderances that continually cause me to struggle. Only with His help can i effectively deal with these issues and only as i deal with them can i be of service to God and others.

In the days and weeks that follow i hope to document my progress in the hopes of encouraging others who may be struggling with similar issues. However God uses me and my story i know it will be for the best. Already He has used to encourage others who deal with depression, anxiety and perfectionism. So i am really looking forward to seeing how He uses me and strengthens me as i confess to Him and others my struggles with an eating disorder.

My hope is that whoever reads this will be strengthened and encouraged as God strengthens and encourages me.

Like Daddy

Rachel has your heart for helping others,

Brogan has your knack for encouragement,

Reece has your sense of humor

And Sawyer has your curiousity and love for working with his hands.

Each child is so different

Yet each one has so much of you in them.

And in their hearts they each share a love,

For you, their Daddy!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, JEREMY!

WE ALL LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

Rachel's Request

Rachel asked me tonight if i would memorize Psalm 1 with her. She has been working at memorization for quite some time now but this is the first time she has tried to memorize a whole chapter.
I have memorized Scripture in the past but have not been as comitted as i would like to be or as i know i should be. I have been praying that God would help me get motivated once again. Rachel's request is, to me, an answer to prayer.
Together Rachel and i will read and review, share and encourage as we hide God's Word in our hearts. We will hold each other accountable. The memories we make together will be priceless and i hope it is something we will continue to do in the years to come. I am also very interested in the various methods we employ to maximize the learning experience. Perhaps i will even share those methods here to help others wanting to memorize Scripture!
In closing tonight i would like to share Psalm 1. It always helps me to write it (or type it) as i visualize it.

Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on His law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff that the wind blows away.
Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgement,
nor sinners in th assembly of the righteous.

For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous,
but the wicked will perish.

Anyone who cares to join Rachel and me feel free to jump right in with us! And if you have any ideas to share that help you memorize Scripture we would love to hear from you.

Hummingbird Update

Three weeks ago i was blaming the rain for the absence of hummingbirds. Now it seems the "culprit" may not be excess of percipitation but the abundance of blooms in the area.

After voicing my concerns about missing hummingbirds to my husband, he talked with Mrs. Mary, who runs the little store down the street. Every year Mrs. Mary has several little feeders around the store. If anyone knows where the hummingbirds are it would be her.

Mrs. Mary told Jeremy that with all the flowers blooming at this time the tiny birds are feeding off of them instead of feeders. It is when the heat dries out these flowers and the nectar is gone that they will return to the feeders. Hmm...maybe the rain isn't completely free of blame after all.

Earlier this week i did spot two hummingbirds darting about the tree beside the house, so i know they are out there. This has been an encouragement as i await their return. As i wait i will continue to keep the feeders filled and make sure my camera is close at all times.

Through the fog

This is the view i woke up to this morning. It is much like the fog that has shrouded my thoughts and mental outlook these last few months. I don't know exactly when this latest bout of depression started but i do know it has lingered for quite a while.

Things have really come to a head in the last week as the past five nights i have awakened around two and not been able to get back to sleep. During this time i have tried to pray but end up getting mad at God and saying things that have opened my eyes to the severity of my emotional state. It is only after being completely honest with God and myself that i finally cry myself to sleep.

Depression is definitely not new to me but each time i go through a depression i learn something new about myself. I have tried to combat my depression in different ways: prayer, after awhile i don't know what to say anymore and prayer becomes more and more difficult which fuels the depression; busying myself with mindless activities-never works; binge eating-depresses me more; and isolating myself which adds anger and loneliness to my depression. I could go on but i think you get the picture.

I have avoided medication because the one time i did try it it reacted to another medication i was taking for epilepsy at the same time. Then everyone else has a horror story to share about someone they knew who took...(fill in the blanks)...and they...(fill in the blanks). Myself, being someone who has also always struggled with fear it doesn't take much to convince me not to try medication again.

Different doctors have talked to me about different medications available but i have always resisted. Then, yesterday i picked up the March 2009 copy of "Homelife" and read the story by Chonda Pierce where she tells of her struggle with depression. As she talked about the heaviness and the darkness of depression i knew i could have written those words myself. I have used those very words to describe what i have been feeling to my husband and to the different doctors i have talked with over the years.

When Chonda Pierce talks about being reluctant to try medication then deciding that she feared the darkness of depression more than she feared taking the medicine, i realized that is where i am now. After talking it over with my husband i called my doctor and now have an appointment on Monday.

So now i am looking at this picture of a foggy landscape and remembering how in a matter of time the sun came out, melted the fog away and brightened the world again. I believe the same is about to happen for me. For so long depression has clouded my view of life and of God but with His help and guidance and with the right medication the cloud can and will be lifted. I will see the sun again!

Another interesting thing about this picture is that it is beautiful in its own way. We may not wish for fog but when we can look at it from a different perspective than just seeing it as a nuisance we can see the beauty within. I did not ask for depression but because of depression i have come to see God's faithfulness and the love of God expressed through my family during very difficult circumstances. God is teaching me to see the beauty in all things and that is a lesson i am trying hard to learn and to pass on to others.

That is what i am doing now by sharing my story here. It is my hope to share more as the days go by. In the process i hope to hear from others that we can encourage each other.

ch...ch...ch...Changes!

With all the changes in my life these days i felt it was time to change the look of my blog too. It is something i have wanted to do for a while but i just figured i didn't have the time or it would be too complicated for my technologically unadvanced mine. Was i glad to be proven wrong.
Now this change was not something i took lightly. First, i scrolled through as many backgrounds as i could find. Some were a little too fancy for my taste. Others just didn't appeal to me at all. Then i came across the one you see here. I loved it because it reminded me of the elements of nature that i love so much: water, earth and sky. As you can probably tell from the pictures i post i love being outside. When i listen to the wind in the trees and watch water flow and cascade over rocks or observe butterflies frolic among the flowers i believe God is maybe showing off for me a bit and teaching me valuable lessons as i explore this world around me.
Even the colors i chose represent aspects of nature, like brown for soil, purple and pink for the sky as it changes color in the early morning and as the sun goes down in the evening.
The Scripture i placed under the title is an answer to prayer. New Year's Eve morning during my quiet time i asked God to give me verses of encouragement for the new year. Minutes after saying that prayer i came across Zephaniah 3:17 in my Bible study. "The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
Reading it that first time was enough to convince me this was God's answer. I have written it in my journal, printed it on my calendar and i even posted it on my Facebook wall. It has come encouraged me in so many ways as i think of God standing beside me, rescuing me, rejoicing over me and singing over me. Now i can definitely dance to that!
Speaking of dancing, do you hear that music? Yes, i also got my playlist to play like i want it to. Yay!
As i have mentioned before i do love music...all kinds of music. And this is a small sampling of some of my favorites. The titles will probably change from time to time and i do hope to share my thoughts on the different songs. That is something i had intended to do anyway but have not kept up with it like i had hoped. Looks like another change is about to take place.
Well, that appears to be it for now...but you never know with change. If and when that might change i will let you know.

Thank You

If i were to list the names of friends and the many ways they have encouraged me these past few weeks i could go on and on. God has blessed me with a great group of ladies who have prayed for me, supported me and hugged me when i needed it most. He has surrounded me with His love inside the home with a loving, supportive husband and children. They all share my excitement in this new endeavor and let me know they are praying for me everyday. There is not a day that goes by that someone doesn't send an email or speak to me personally to say they are praying or that they are proud that i am following what i truly believe to be God's will for me.
I only wish i knew how to show my friends and family how much i appreciate all that they do for me. One thing i can say, i thank God for you all and i pray for you too.

My Last Post...for 2008, That is

As i mentioned in my last post, December has been a very busy month. What i did not mention is the challenge i accepted early this month and the spiritual attack that has come with that acceptance.
It has always been my desire to encourage others and openly share my struggles in the hope of helping others as they struggle too. On December 7 i was offered that opportunity. I was asked to facilitate a women's step study at my church. After talking it over with my husband and praying over it i gave my answer-yes! Since then i have been filled with such an odd mixture of excitement, fear and doubt. On the one hand, i do believe God has prepared me for such a moment as this. On the other hand, i remember all my failures and see all the room for improvement in my life. So this must be in some small way, how Moses felt when God confronted him and told him he was the one chosen to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land and Jeremiah when he was called to be a prophet. Not that i compare myself to these men but i do understand the feelings of inadequacey.
Then i think of my role as teacher and how i am forever learning as i teach the children. I expect my role as facilitator to be the same. God is not calling me to be perfect and to have all the answers. What He is calling me to do is to reach out to these women, love them and help them recognize God as their source of strength to overcome. And yes, throughout this process i will be learning and relearning...probably even more than i did when i went through the program myself last year.
In the meantime, i will be praying for the women who will be joining me this year as well as my co-facilitator-whoever she may be. I don't know yet but God does and i know He has us all covered.
Now, as i close this last post for 2008, i would like to wish everyone a blessed New Year and thank your for reading!

The Evening Walk

Today has been one of those days where to do anything has been a struggle. Whether it was homeschooling or cleaning the kitchen, i've just done it all with the attitude that i was going to get it done regardless of how i felt. However, i did continue to talk myself out of my not so daily daily walk. "It's just too hot, i'm too busy, it would be so much easier if i had someone to walk with,...". Is this resonating with anyone? Well, finally six o'clock rolls around and i know i need to take this walk but i just don't want to, but after a few minutes of enternal struggle i have to admit that continuing to argue is doing me no good. So i head out the door, do some stretching and start walking. My first round around the driveway, i see a bright orange glow in the trees and suddenly my eyes fill with tears. The glow is the sun setting in the sky and God's reminder that i am not alone as i walk. As i make my second round i am thinking i need to get my camera. Now i am running. I don't want to miss this! By the time i run inside, grab my camera and make it back to the front yard, the sun has moved. No problem. I cross the road to get a better shot. (And now you know why charis crossed the road. Bad joke, but i couldn't resist!) As the sun sank lower and lower in the evening sky, i took picture after picture to get as many as i could. When i finally returned to my walk i was filled with excitement and inspiration. Yes, i still had the camera strapped around my neck too, just in case God had something else to show me and He did-but that is another post. Before i knew it 35 minutes had passed and i could have kept walking but the kids were too quiet, so i came back inside. The kids were fine and i was feeling a lot better than when i went out and so much better than i have in the last couple of days. The moral of my little story is that sometimes we have to do things we don't necessarily want to do but when we do do them we are better because of it and it also helps to know God is always with us. He never leaves us, we are the ones who walk away from Him but even then He does not give up on us. Thank You, Father, for evening walks,sunsets and lessons taught.

Monday Reflection

Today is Monday...again. The day i look back on the previous week and ask myself what i need to do differently for the following week. Sometimes my list is brief, sometimes it can be quite exhaustive. Sometimes i follow through, sometimes i have to make the same mistakes again before i finally get my act together. Yes, Monday is my day of reflection. It is good to have this often because my memory can be so short at times, especially when it comes to an honest evaluation of myself. In my time of reflection, i try to look at every area of my life: Am i being the wife and mother i need to be? What kind of teacher have i been(in and out of the classroom)? Have i been a good friend? How much time am i spending with God and in His Word? How i answer those first three questions rely heavily on how i answer the fourth question. If i get a negative answer on that one then all my other answers are going to be negative as well. I wish i could say i am disciplined and faithful when it comes to spending time in His presence and studying the Bible but the truth is i am not. Too often i let the very things that He wants to help me with get in the way of that time. Things like busyness,stress and feelings of unworthiness distract me to the point that they consume every bit of me. I do not like the person i am away from God. I am weak,selfish,easily angered,fearful...the list goes on and it does not get any better. It is in my time with God that i am strengthened,encouraged and filled with peace. This list also continues and inspires me to get up in the morning even though my body is telling me to stay where it is nice and warm and where i might get a few more moments of sleep. My soul is needing rest and nourishment. As long as i am recieving that from my Heavenly Father i can face whatever comes my way throughout the day. Well, that has been my reflection for this Monday morning. Thanks for letting me share with you. Hope we all spend more time with God this week.

A Book, a Blog and Inspiration

The inspiration for charis-ma comes from this book, "The Creative Call", by Janice Elsheimer. Elsheimer is a creative writing and language arts teacher and her purpose in writing "The Creative Call" was to help the artist realize his or her talents and draw closer to God, who has given us the gift of creativity. The book is set up to be used individually or in a group. There are eight weeks worth of reading and writing exercises. At the end of the eight weeks the reader is treated to a guide for an artist retreat. I am presently starting my fourth week which deals with forgiveness. Trust me when i say God is working on me through this book. When i started "The Creative Call" i expected to learn more about myself and God's intended purpose for the gifts and talents He gave me. What i did not expect was how God would use the book to open conversation with so many others who say they enjoy drawing, sewing and other creative pusuits but they do not consider themselves creative or artistic. As someone who has believed this way myself for many years i have been fascinated by their stories. As God opens my eyes to the potential He has given me and as He encourages me i want to encourage others as well. Charis-ma gives me that opportunity. This is my place to share my growth as an artist with anyone interested. Here i will also share my struggles,hopes,dreams and whatever may help those who stop to read. I will also share what inspires me, whether it is music,quotes or articles-whatever the source of inspiration if it can be shared i will post it here! Of course, this would not be much of a creative blog if i did not share my own creative works as well. There may not be a whole lot of that right now but as God works on me that will change. If you have made it this far into my first post i am grateful and also hopeful that you will be back to enjoy charis-ma. Please visit often and let me know how you like your stay here!