A Prayer for Restoration

Where is my faith? Where is my peace? Where is my joy? And where is my hope? All i really want, all i truly need can only be found in You. Apart from You i have no faith, no peace, no joy and i have no hope.

Why am i so fearful? Troubled? Downcast? Why do i feel so anxious?

Instead of running to You i find myself running from You.

I ask myself why i do this when i know that anything i put before You will only rob me of my joy and steal my peace. You want to restore these things to me and revive in me a calm heart and quiet spirit.

Still i find myself running...running away from You.

All i have to do is call Your name and You are there but the distractions are too much for me to bear. I wasn't meant to bear them alone but i keep trying...and it is a losing battle and i know it.

Finally i find myself, weary from the struggle. So tired of doing on my own-only to fail again.

Lord, i am calling on You now. My voice is weak but i know You hear me just the same.

Please lift me from this pit i have dug for myself and put my feet back on solid ground.

I need You, Lord. The battle is Yours and i am Yours too.

Wings

God whispers on butterfly wings

and tells me He has given me wings too.

With my wings He says to fly,

and color the world around me

with faith, hope and love!

The Calling

Here i am again. Right back where i started. A place i never wanted to return. Yet i am the one who returned. It was my choice to turn from Your way and step out on my own. Now my walk has become a stumble and the road has turned to mud. My feet of clay sink deeper and deeper into the mush and slime. Though the trip wearies me so and i know it doesn’t have to be this way, i trudge along anyway. Pride and unbelief weigh me down, making me sink deeper into the miry ground.

I hear You calling my name but the tears in my eyes sting and remind me it was my folly that got me in this mess. Covered in this mud that is my shame, i doubt that i could ever be in Your presence again. As these thoughts fill my mind another thought comes. Only this thought does not condemn but it gives me hope and restores my faith. No, this isn’t my thought at all-it is Your voice that i hear!

You tell me that You knew the choices i would make and the wrong turns i would take. You knew the day would come when my heart would stray til i became painfully aware that nothing else i pursue could ever take the place of You. When i could no longer bear the pain and there was nowhere else to turn You would take me back with arms wide open. Because of Your great love for me You allowed me to stray but You have never taken Your eyes off of me. Now You are calling me back. From my marshy pit i cry, “Father, frogive me for my rebellious pride that has brought me to this awful place. Bring me back to Your embrace and keep me at Your side!”.

Already i feel my strength returning as You lift me from the mud and set my feet on solid ground. Thank You, most precious Heavenly Father!

Missing You

I missed you in church today. I was there but you did not see me. I called out to you but you did not hear me. You were rushed when you came in and continued to fret as you took a place in the pew. The music started but it was too loud for your taste. The choir wasn’t loud enough and the songs were either too fast or too slow. The woman in front of you clapped her hands out of sync. The man behind you sang off key. You forced a smile as you shook the hands of those nearby but you did not notice the small hand of the little boy who stood by your side. The sermon was too long and the preacher was too dry. Sniffs from across the aisle annoyed you but what you did not know was that they came from a couple weeping together over the words of hope that you were too distracted to hear. The invitation was given and you studied your watch. Your stomach was growling and all you could think about was lunch. So you did not see the woman in front of you and the man behind you go forward. You wished the boy beside you would be still and stop whispering to his parents. When he was still and quiet you didn’t even realize he and his parents had gone forward too. The couple across the aisle also got up and walked hand in hand toward the altar. They all saw me and heard me but you did not. The service ended and you hurried out the door to your car and on your way. Are you missing me like I am missing you today?

Poised to fly

Looking up!

I have always compared my mind to a radio stuck between frequencies where the listener is hearing multiple voices, which are all garbled and make no sense. There are lyrics being sung and the tune may sound familiar but too warped to be enjoyable. Then on top of all this there is static...lots of static.The dial is broken and the volume is stuck on maximum. Since all of this is going on inside your head no one else can hear it nor can you really explain it.

My little "radio" has played for so long in this manner that i just figured it would always be that way. It has frustrated many efforts to communicate with others, my ability to think calmly and rationally and it has kept me up many hours while everyone else was sleeping. I am almost suprised when others cannot hear these things going on inside because to me it seems so loud.

When i talked with my doctor a couple of weeks ago i took my husband back with me. After suffering from depression for so long i forget what normal is. Depression has been my normal so much of my life. So i asked Jeremy to come back with me to tell his side of the story. The doctor listened to both of us and then he prescribed Effexor.

We left the office that day and i was afraid to get my hopes up but i tried it anyway. I'm glad i did.

I still have a way to go. My emotions are still evening out. There are still moments of anxiety and moments of numbness. Writing, which has always been so easy for me, continues to be an area of struggle. This is very hard on me.

The good news is my thinking is clearer. You would think that would be conducive to more writing but i just have to believe that will come in time.

Well, i have done what i set out to do-get some thoughts out. And for what it's worth, i am looking up!

Spring Blessing

Today was the first day of spring and while the day itself was rather cool the weather was beautiful! The sun was shining, the skies were blue and the birds were chirping. For awhile i was able to sit and watch the honeybees; even take a few pictures. After a few minutes the breeze became just a little too much to bear so i came back inside but what brief time i did spend outside was enough to fill me with hope and excitement about the season ahead.

Today i was given a glimpse of spring while still feeling a bit of winter's chill. What i saw and what i heard was enough to assure me that warmer days are definitely ahead. This assurance helps me to face whatever cool, gray days remain until spring prevails.

Isn't it just like God to do things like this for us ? We go through long, cold seasons in life and just when we think we cannot handle anymore God gives us signs to demonstrate His love and presence in our struggles. Sometimes He removes the situation from our lives but sometimes He allows us to remain in the hardship not to punish us, not because He doesn't care but because He sees what lies ahead, He knows what is best and He is preparing us for a future far beyond our wildest imaginations. That future is eternity with Him.

So while this life may be difficult and sometimes painful we can rest assured that He will never leave us nor forsake us(Deuteronomy 31:6). And though we won't always see our hope or feel our hope when we go through the trials in life we can have faith because our hope is in our Heavenly Father(Psalm 42:5). We can face whatever this life brings because this hope does not disappoint(Romans 5:5). Also remember that this life is fleeting where our life with God is glorious and eternal(2 Corinthians 4:16-18).

Now i may not hear the birds chirping at this late hour as i write this but i do know my heart is singing! My prayer tonight is that i will remember this hope in the morning and let it fill me with joy all the days of the rest of my life, whatever the Father blesses me with. I pray too that whoever reads this will be filled with this hope that can only come from God.

Through the fog

This is the view i woke up to this morning. It is much like the fog that has shrouded my thoughts and mental outlook these last few months. I don't know exactly when this latest bout of depression started but i do know it has lingered for quite a while.

Things have really come to a head in the last week as the past five nights i have awakened around two and not been able to get back to sleep. During this time i have tried to pray but end up getting mad at God and saying things that have opened my eyes to the severity of my emotional state. It is only after being completely honest with God and myself that i finally cry myself to sleep.

Depression is definitely not new to me but each time i go through a depression i learn something new about myself. I have tried to combat my depression in different ways: prayer, after awhile i don't know what to say anymore and prayer becomes more and more difficult which fuels the depression; busying myself with mindless activities-never works; binge eating-depresses me more; and isolating myself which adds anger and loneliness to my depression. I could go on but i think you get the picture.

I have avoided medication because the one time i did try it it reacted to another medication i was taking for epilepsy at the same time. Then everyone else has a horror story to share about someone they knew who took...(fill in the blanks)...and they...(fill in the blanks). Myself, being someone who has also always struggled with fear it doesn't take much to convince me not to try medication again.

Different doctors have talked to me about different medications available but i have always resisted. Then, yesterday i picked up the March 2009 copy of "Homelife" and read the story by Chonda Pierce where she tells of her struggle with depression. As she talked about the heaviness and the darkness of depression i knew i could have written those words myself. I have used those very words to describe what i have been feeling to my husband and to the different doctors i have talked with over the years.

When Chonda Pierce talks about being reluctant to try medication then deciding that she feared the darkness of depression more than she feared taking the medicine, i realized that is where i am now. After talking it over with my husband i called my doctor and now have an appointment on Monday.

So now i am looking at this picture of a foggy landscape and remembering how in a matter of time the sun came out, melted the fog away and brightened the world again. I believe the same is about to happen for me. For so long depression has clouded my view of life and of God but with His help and guidance and with the right medication the cloud can and will be lifted. I will see the sun again!

Another interesting thing about this picture is that it is beautiful in its own way. We may not wish for fog but when we can look at it from a different perspective than just seeing it as a nuisance we can see the beauty within. I did not ask for depression but because of depression i have come to see God's faithfulness and the love of God expressed through my family during very difficult circumstances. God is teaching me to see the beauty in all things and that is a lesson i am trying hard to learn and to pass on to others.

That is what i am doing now by sharing my story here. It is my hope to share more as the days go by. In the process i hope to hear from others that we can encourage each other.