The Week Before School

It is the week before school starts and my heart is pumping with anticipation, excitement and nervousness. My desk is a reflection of all those emotions as i try to organize books, supplies and other odds and ends. One wrong move and i fear everything may come crashing down.
This will be my second day of maneuvering through the obstacle course. My goal is to get it done today before someone sneezes and causes the dreaded avalanche.
My husband and i are hoping to do some re-arranging and painting in the near future because the walls are in real need of some attention and a new layout might make better use of the area we work in. I also have to admit i would like to see some more color and a change of scenery!
All this work will definitely add to the challenge but i think we are up to it. With a little help from everyone it shouldn't be to bad.
Yeah, that is what i keep telling myself anyway.
Another welcome addition this year will be a new air conditioner!
One of the drawbacks of having a room with windows across the front and one side is that it can get pretty hot at times. In fact, that is one reason it has taken me as long as it has to finish my work in here-it has just been to hot to bear for too long.
The new curriculum is expected to arrive in the next few days. It is always an exciting day when new books and materials arrive; almost like Christmas.
What we already have here i have been reading and refreshing myself on and the more i do the more my excitement grows.
Of course, there is still the run into town for last minutes school supplies and i am not kidding when i say i am really looking forward to that. Yes, i am an office/school supply junkie!
Well, i have spent enough time talking about what i am going to do, now it is time to start doing it. Who knows? I just might have some before and after photos to share before too long...

Why is Forgiveness so Difficult?

This question was posed on the Christian radio station that i listen to in the van. I really wanted to hear the answers of the viewers who called in but unfortunately i reached my destination before i got that chance.

It really got me thinking though and days later i am still thinking about it. Here are my thoughts:

I believe forgiveness is difficult because our memories come so easily, especially when we have been hurt or offended. Regardless of how much time may have passed, when we start remembering the emotions and the pain, whether it was physical or psychological, the memory seems so fresh. We may even bear scars-some heal, some don't. Some can be seen, others are buried inside. Whatever the pain, whatever the scars they are both very real.

Another reason i believe forgiveness is so difficult is that we confuse forgiveness with approval and we think that by forgiving someone we are condoning what they did. The fear is that the offense will be forgotten and justice will not be served.

For what it is worth that is my two cents. This is something that continues to make me think. I am sure i could say so much more about forgiveness and the difficulty of forgiving but i will just wrap it up by saying that without God's help forgiveness is impossible.

I hope to share more in the future...

Looking up!

I have always compared my mind to a radio stuck between frequencies where the listener is hearing multiple voices, which are all garbled and make no sense. There are lyrics being sung and the tune may sound familiar but too warped to be enjoyable. Then on top of all this there is static...lots of static.The dial is broken and the volume is stuck on maximum. Since all of this is going on inside your head no one else can hear it nor can you really explain it.

My little "radio" has played for so long in this manner that i just figured it would always be that way. It has frustrated many efforts to communicate with others, my ability to think calmly and rationally and it has kept me up many hours while everyone else was sleeping. I am almost suprised when others cannot hear these things going on inside because to me it seems so loud.

When i talked with my doctor a couple of weeks ago i took my husband back with me. After suffering from depression for so long i forget what normal is. Depression has been my normal so much of my life. So i asked Jeremy to come back with me to tell his side of the story. The doctor listened to both of us and then he prescribed Effexor.

We left the office that day and i was afraid to get my hopes up but i tried it anyway. I'm glad i did.

I still have a way to go. My emotions are still evening out. There are still moments of anxiety and moments of numbness. Writing, which has always been so easy for me, continues to be an area of struggle. This is very hard on me.

The good news is my thinking is clearer. You would think that would be conducive to more writing but i just have to believe that will come in time.

Well, i have done what i set out to do-get some thoughts out. And for what it's worth, i am looking up!

Facing the Fear

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The old saying goes, "Be careful what you wish for you just might get it." Well, the same can be said for prayer. "Be careful what you pray for you just might get it." This is so true for me right now. My prayer has been that God would help me confront my fears and with His help work through them. Since i have been saying this prayer God has continually been calling me out of my comfort zone. In one of my earlier posts i shared how fear has controlled me for so long. Since sharing that God has showed me just how much control i have given fear in my life. My first reaction is regret, then shame and then anger. With all these emotions building up inside i have turned to another old "frienemy", food. Prayer has become more difficult. Most days all i know to say is, "Help me, God." For awhile i believed God was cleaning His hands of me and turning me over to the sin i want so badly want to be freed of but lack the courage and faith to give over to Him. God is proving me wrong there. Instead, He is showing me how badly He disires my freedom as well. God has never stopped caring. He has never stopped listening and God has never stopped loving me. His love for me has never been based on my love for me or anyone else's love for me. What God is doing is preparing me and allowing me to see just how destructive my sin really is and in the process teaching me to lean on Him. I have tried so hard all my life to be strong on my own and hidden from everyone how insecure and frightened i really am. This has only made me weaker and more vulnerable. Now God is telling me to take down the walls and remove the masks. It isn't easy but He is getting me through. God is working on me. He tells me i am worth the time and He is redeeming the time i have wasted. In just the past couple of days God has called me to share with a close friend and with someone else i am only beginning to know,someone who has reached out to me and shown friendship despite the fact she hardly knows me. For these women i am very thankful and it is God to whom i am most grateful. No, He has not given up on me. And He asks that i do not give up either. Whatever He calls me to do in overcoming my fears it is by His strength i can do it!

11 Things

Old habits die hard...especially bad habits. I know this all too well. While my bad habits are too numerous to list here will say that the one habit i have battled long and hard is my bad habit of overeating. Whether i am happy, sad, excited or anxious my way of dealing with my emotions has always been to eat. More than once i have gained weight, lost it and kept it off for a while only to return to the old bad habit. What makes this habit worse is that by looking to food i am taking my eyes off of God. Food consumes my time, energy and thoughts. Until i bring all these things into God's submission i will never be the wife, mother, friend or artist He created me to be. I do believe this. And that is why i have created a list of things i can do instead of eating that will make better use of all that God has given me. This is just the beginning. I also believe that God has more in store for me as i learn to be obedient to Him: 1. Pray!! 2. Read. 3. Write. 4. Draw or paint. 5. Dance. 6. Get outside. 7. Take some pictures. 8. Walk. 9. Yardwork. 10. Play with the kids. 11. Talk with someone i love. These are all things i love to do anyway i just needed to make this list and remember it. That is why i am posting it here and will put it up in the house where i will see it often. The next time temptation strikes this will help.