Looking up!

I have always compared my mind to a radio stuck between frequencies where the listener is hearing multiple voices, which are all garbled and make no sense. There are lyrics being sung and the tune may sound familiar but too warped to be enjoyable. Then on top of all this there is static...lots of static.The dial is broken and the volume is stuck on maximum. Since all of this is going on inside your head no one else can hear it nor can you really explain it.

My little "radio" has played for so long in this manner that i just figured it would always be that way. It has frustrated many efforts to communicate with others, my ability to think calmly and rationally and it has kept me up many hours while everyone else was sleeping. I am almost suprised when others cannot hear these things going on inside because to me it seems so loud.

When i talked with my doctor a couple of weeks ago i took my husband back with me. After suffering from depression for so long i forget what normal is. Depression has been my normal so much of my life. So i asked Jeremy to come back with me to tell his side of the story. The doctor listened to both of us and then he prescribed Effexor.

We left the office that day and i was afraid to get my hopes up but i tried it anyway. I'm glad i did.

I still have a way to go. My emotions are still evening out. There are still moments of anxiety and moments of numbness. Writing, which has always been so easy for me, continues to be an area of struggle. This is very hard on me.

The good news is my thinking is clearer. You would think that would be conducive to more writing but i just have to believe that will come in time.

Well, i have done what i set out to do-get some thoughts out. And for what it's worth, i am looking up!

Weekend Challenge: #4

"Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." Galatians 5:25I used to wonder why it was so hard for me find and maintain friendships. It confused me why so many seemed to think of me as an odd combination of June Cleaver,Martha Stewart and Mother Teresa. As a wife and mother they thought i cooked every meal from scratch and kept an immaculate home while raising children who resembled the Brady Bunch. As a homemaker they figured i was creative and organized. While doing all of this, it also seemed i had the patience of a saint. Nothing could have been further from the truth. So where were people getting these ideas? I asked myself this question so many times, it didn't seem i would ever know the answer. Then i prayed and asked God to show me where the miscommunication was taking place. As it turns out I was the one giving everyone that impression! In my eagerness to have friends and to be a friend i was trying hard not to appear needy or too weak. I loved to listen to what others were saying about their lives and families but shared very little about myself. It is a fear thing but it is also very arrogant. Where i had sympathy and compassion for others and their struggles i had none for myself. What i finally realized i was saying was that it was okay for everyone else to struggle but i was supposed to be different somehow. This has not been a fun lesson, no one wants to think they are so arrogant but that is exactly what i have been. So instead of beating myself up, which has been the practice all my life, i am working on my communication skills. Sometimes it is the hardest thing for me to admit that i need help and then ask for it. But with much prayer and God's help i am learning. That is one item on on my list of areas where i am working to improve. Second on my list is getting exercise daily. This one just got a lot easier with the gift of a Wii Fit. Now i try to walk in the morning and in the afternoon i do a few minutes on the Wii. The kids and i are all enjoying it! Number three is getting to bed earlier and the last three nights have been successful. That makes it a lot easier to get up in the morning for my "quiet time"(something else i am trying to work at) and a walk. By the time i have taken my shower and had my breakfast i am in a much better frame of mind. There are other items to add to my list but for now i feel this is a good start.