A Prayer for Restoration

Where is my faith? Where is my peace? Where is my joy? And where is my hope? All i really want, all i truly need can only be found in You. Apart from You i have no faith, no peace, no joy and i have no hope.

Why am i so fearful? Troubled? Downcast? Why do i feel so anxious?

Instead of running to You i find myself running from You.

I ask myself why i do this when i know that anything i put before You will only rob me of my joy and steal my peace. You want to restore these things to me and revive in me a calm heart and quiet spirit.

Still i find myself running...running away from You.

All i have to do is call Your name and You are there but the distractions are too much for me to bear. I wasn't meant to bear them alone but i keep trying...and it is a losing battle and i know it.

Finally i find myself, weary from the struggle. So tired of doing on my own-only to fail again.

Lord, i am calling on You now. My voice is weak but i know You hear me just the same.

Please lift me from this pit i have dug for myself and put my feet back on solid ground.

I need You, Lord. The battle is Yours and i am Yours too.

A Little Honesty

For three weeks now little else has occupied my mind besides homeschooling, which we start next week and Rachel's tenth birthday, which is Friday.
Both events fill me with excitement and anticipation. Mixed in with these emotions is anxiety as i try to pace myself and not overwhelm myself with crazy, unrealistic expectations.
The past few days i have been battling depression and tears. My usual reaction is to isolate myself but i know tomorrow i will be meeting with the women of my CR group. The thought frightens me and comforts me all at the same time. If it weren't for this beautiful group of women it would be so easy to shut the doors and stay home tomorrow but because i am the facilitator of the group they do depend on me to be there.
I love seeing everyone each week. I love hearing their stories and experiences. Even sharing my own "stuff" feels good. Honesty with people you trust does wonders for the heart and mind.
These meetings are the highlight of my week!
I really admire and respect these women. They encourage me. As i watch them grow i am strengthened. I think of them often as i struggle and i know if they can perservere with God's help then so can i.
I love them all like sisters.
So, tonight as i type this i am feeling much better about the junk of my life because i know i am not alone. I have my family, friends and God on my side.
The going may get tough but my God will never leave me and He will even put others to walk beside me.
Thank You, precious, loving Father!

In the Shepherd's Hands

This week has been somewhat of an exercise in perserverance for me. Since going through my latest round of depression writing has become diffficult for me. Even as i take medication to balance those unruly chemicals i still struggle with expressing thoughts that are clearer now. Is this making any sense? If it is i don't see it yet.
On Monday i decided i was going to start writing again. It has been a slow process but believe it or not i do believe it is helping. Not everyday has been a writing day but in some way i have been able to express some of what i am feeling. On Wednesday it was a simple picture of a moth i found outside in the mud. I was fascinated by this moth because though it was surrounded by muck and mire it did not succumb to it's dire surroundings. After a few minutes of watching the moth work it's wings i witnessed it's flight. I want to be like that moth and rise above. That is what i was saying when i posted the picture.
Last night i was feeling anxious. It started with the accelerated heartbeat. The harder and faster it beat the more restless i became. In my mind i was trying to find the source of my anxiety but could find nothing. I tried my breathing techniques which worked for a while but the anxiety returned after a few minutes. By the kids bedtime i was more than ready for a few moments of peace and quiet. I wanted to write but couldn't. Then i remembered the picture of the Shepherd's hands that i had taken last summer at a friends house. The cool thing is i had been reading from Psalm 23 that morning. I believe God was telling me to bring my anxiety to Him. So with that i posted the picture and reminded myself that i was and am still in His loving hands. With that i went back and did what i should have done in the first place-i imagined myself in His arms as i told Him of my anxiety and worries.
This morning i am feeling much better. Will the anxiety return? It might. But if it does return i will not hold on to it so long. Instead i will put it into the mighty and capable hands of the God who loves and cares for me.
He is in control!

Looking up!

I have always compared my mind to a radio stuck between frequencies where the listener is hearing multiple voices, which are all garbled and make no sense. There are lyrics being sung and the tune may sound familiar but too warped to be enjoyable. Then on top of all this there is static...lots of static.The dial is broken and the volume is stuck on maximum. Since all of this is going on inside your head no one else can hear it nor can you really explain it.

My little "radio" has played for so long in this manner that i just figured it would always be that way. It has frustrated many efforts to communicate with others, my ability to think calmly and rationally and it has kept me up many hours while everyone else was sleeping. I am almost suprised when others cannot hear these things going on inside because to me it seems so loud.

When i talked with my doctor a couple of weeks ago i took my husband back with me. After suffering from depression for so long i forget what normal is. Depression has been my normal so much of my life. So i asked Jeremy to come back with me to tell his side of the story. The doctor listened to both of us and then he prescribed Effexor.

We left the office that day and i was afraid to get my hopes up but i tried it anyway. I'm glad i did.

I still have a way to go. My emotions are still evening out. There are still moments of anxiety and moments of numbness. Writing, which has always been so easy for me, continues to be an area of struggle. This is very hard on me.

The good news is my thinking is clearer. You would think that would be conducive to more writing but i just have to believe that will come in time.

Well, i have done what i set out to do-get some thoughts out. And for what it's worth, i am looking up!

God's Reminders

It has been a month of ups(birthdays and celebration)and downs(sinus infections,sore throats and raspy voices). It has been a month of highs(in the 70's)and lows(in the teens). It has also been a month of lots of running and lots of rain. In all this hustle and bustle we have even managed to strip the kitchen floor of 3 layers of linoleum and finish the living room remodel...for the most part anyway. As much as i hate to admit it we did not get the Christmas tree up until Tuesday of last week.
Just recounting the events of the last four weeks wearies me. No wonder my mood has so often matched the weather that has dominated these days, gray and dark. Anyone reading this can imagine how busy i have been. Unfortunately in my busyness i have neglected my quiet time in the mornings, opting instead to roll back over in the comfort of my nice warm bed. It doesn't take too many mornings of this before anxiety and the feelings of overwhelm set in.
One night, before crawling in bed exhausted, i prayed and asked God to remind me of my need of Him to help me get up in the morning and back into His presence. Suddenly it hit me...that is what He was doing all along! All the anxiety and depression, all the feelings of being overwhelmed-all were reminders of the relationship i was neglecting-my relationship with my Heavenly Father. The two weeks since haven't always been easy but they have been rewarding as my quiet time has resumed and God is preparing me each day for whatever comes my way.
My days are still filled with activity. That may never change. But what has changed is my attitude and the way i face life's challenges. What is making that change is the few moments of quiet before the start of each day when i sit in the Father's presence and He fills me with His peace. I am so grateful for God's little reminders and pray i do not forget.

Write From the Heart

Watching the fog roll in tonight with the children made me think of the mental fog that has been clouding my view for much too long. For months now i have been overwhelmed by events that have taken place in my life, busy with demands on my time(most of these demands are self-imposed, by the way) and confused by all my crazy conflicting emotions. It is no coincidence that i have not journaled consistently in months. Journaling is a very important part of my life. It is my prayer time. When i try to get down on my knees and speak my prayers i am so easily distracted and soon give up but when i get by myself for awhile and start writing my prayers, the words flow and it is not a monologue. As i write i am also listening. I truly feel God's presence as i journal. Many times i will fill several pages before i am done. Regardless of how i feel when i start to write i always feel at peace by the time i am done. It reminds me so much of the Psalms. I have always appreciated how the psalmist may have started out frustrated,depressed or angry but by the end of the Psalm he is singing God's praises. How beautiful! And how much like my own life i want that to be. To know that whatever i am facing in life i can take it to my Heavenly Father and He will hear me,love me and fill me with His peace. The situation may not go away and i may not have any answers but the One who does know gives me just what i need to stand firm. Back to the fog, after thinking these things over in my head, i dug up my journal and pen,closed myself inside my bedroom and started writing. It was kind of slow at first but i just poured my heart out to God and told Him of my anxieties and how i felt lonely,like giving up. With that out of my head and down on paper, God lifted the fog that has hindered me for so long. Hallejuah! Three pages later, as i finished writing, i made a promise to God not to let myself become so lost in thought that i feel i am drowning before i write again. Since writing is prayer for me i commit to do it everyday and more than just once a day. However He leads me i will write.

How do I Pray?

How do i pray for my food addiction? Do i pray for deliverance or do i pray for strength to bear? Is this the "thorn in the flesh" that i will always struggle with? Addiction, fear and anxiety keep me in prayer but i'm afraid i am not heeding the answer to those prayers. I fear that i may have to hit rock bottom before i truly learn my lesson. The thought scares me. Now i feel myself sinking deeper and deeper, my head is barely above the water and i am gasping for air. The harder i fight the more i drift. If i scream, will anyone hear me? I doubt i have the strength to try anyway. I want to rest, my mind and body are weary, but if i do rest i'll surely sink and be forgotten in the abyss. Could You tell me God, how do i pray?

11 Things

Old habits die hard...especially bad habits. I know this all too well. While my bad habits are too numerous to list here will say that the one habit i have battled long and hard is my bad habit of overeating. Whether i am happy, sad, excited or anxious my way of dealing with my emotions has always been to eat. More than once i have gained weight, lost it and kept it off for a while only to return to the old bad habit. What makes this habit worse is that by looking to food i am taking my eyes off of God. Food consumes my time, energy and thoughts. Until i bring all these things into God's submission i will never be the wife, mother, friend or artist He created me to be. I do believe this. And that is why i have created a list of things i can do instead of eating that will make better use of all that God has given me. This is just the beginning. I also believe that God has more in store for me as i learn to be obedient to Him: 1. Pray!! 2. Read. 3. Write. 4. Draw or paint. 5. Dance. 6. Get outside. 7. Take some pictures. 8. Walk. 9. Yardwork. 10. Play with the kids. 11. Talk with someone i love. These are all things i love to do anyway i just needed to make this list and remember it. That is why i am posting it here and will put it up in the house where i will see it often. The next time temptation strikes this will help.