Write From the Heart

Watching the fog roll in tonight with the children made me think of the mental fog that has been clouding my view for much too long. For months now i have been overwhelmed by events that have taken place in my life, busy with demands on my time(most of these demands are self-imposed, by the way) and confused by all my crazy conflicting emotions. It is no coincidence that i have not journaled consistently in months. Journaling is a very important part of my life. It is my prayer time. When i try to get down on my knees and speak my prayers i am so easily distracted and soon give up but when i get by myself for awhile and start writing my prayers, the words flow and it is not a monologue. As i write i am also listening. I truly feel God's presence as i journal. Many times i will fill several pages before i am done. Regardless of how i feel when i start to write i always feel at peace by the time i am done. It reminds me so much of the Psalms. I have always appreciated how the psalmist may have started out frustrated,depressed or angry but by the end of the Psalm he is singing God's praises. How beautiful! And how much like my own life i want that to be. To know that whatever i am facing in life i can take it to my Heavenly Father and He will hear me,love me and fill me with His peace. The situation may not go away and i may not have any answers but the One who does know gives me just what i need to stand firm. Back to the fog, after thinking these things over in my head, i dug up my journal and pen,closed myself inside my bedroom and started writing. It was kind of slow at first but i just poured my heart out to God and told Him of my anxieties and how i felt lonely,like giving up. With that out of my head and down on paper, God lifted the fog that has hindered me for so long. Hallejuah! Three pages later, as i finished writing, i made a promise to God not to let myself become so lost in thought that i feel i am drowning before i write again. Since writing is prayer for me i commit to do it everyday and more than just once a day. However He leads me i will write.

As I Wait...

Though i am thoroughly convinced i am in waiting right now i'm not so sure exactly what it is i am waiting for but i feel it involves writing, photography, creativity and maybe even speaking. How can i make such a claim when at first i say i am not sure? I can say it because i have always dreamed of it and desired it while at the same time fearing it and believing i could never do it. Let's face it, i am not much of a talker. I get lost in a crowd and i am forever struggling with loneliness and feelings of inadequacy. Then there is also the overwhelming fear of failure. And as much as i hate to admit it, i deal with an eating disorder, or food addiction. Whatever you call it i've got it and have had it for as long as i can remember. To say i am dealing with it actually is not true. A more accurate statement would be, i give into it. I pray about it, ask forgiveness for it, promise not give in so easily but continue to fail every time. My prayer now goes like this: "God, i want to make the promise to stay in Your arms but the crushing reality of all my broken promises in the past prevent me from making any such bold claims now. Please forgive me for my failures and lack of trust. Help me to choose faithfulness and to remain faithful as You are faithful to me." So what does this have to do with my present wait? Everything! Week 5 of "When Wallflowers Dance" is titled, "Until It's Your Turn" and it deals with the whole subject of waiting. Day 2 of week 5 instructs the reader to entrust and trust. We are to entrust to God whatever we consider valuable in our lives. Why is it so hard for me to entrust Him with my hopes and dreams, loneliness, fears, addiction and longing for friendship? When will i learn to stop looking for clarity and just trust Him? I believe that is where i am in this wait right now. Learning to entrust and trust. Unfortunately it feels my failure keeps sending me back to the end of the line. God asks me to wait patiently. If i am to do that i must trust Him completely; His purposes, His plans, His promises and His timing. To this i cry out, "Lord, help my unbelief!".