Though i am thoroughly convinced i am in waiting right now i'm not so sure exactly what it is i am waiting for but i feel it involves writing, photography, creativity and maybe even speaking. How can i make such a claim when at first i say i am not sure? I can say it because i have always dreamed of it and desired it while at the same time fearing it and believing i could never do it. Let's face it, i am not much of a talker. I get lost in a crowd and i am forever struggling with loneliness and feelings of inadequacy. Then there is also the overwhelming fear of failure. And as much as i hate to admit it, i deal with an eating disorder, or food addiction. Whatever you call it i've got it and have had it for as long as i can remember. To say i am dealing with it actually is not true. A more accurate statement would be, i give into it. I pray about it, ask forgiveness for it, promise not give in so easily but continue to fail every time. My prayer now goes like this: "God, i want to make the promise to stay in Your arms but the crushing reality of all my broken promises in the past prevent me from making any such bold claims now. Please forgive me for my failures and lack of trust. Help me to choose faithfulness and to remain faithful as You are faithful to me." So what does this have to do with my present wait? Everything! Week 5 of "When Wallflowers Dance" is titled, "Until It's Your Turn" and it deals with the whole subject of waiting. Day 2 of week 5 instructs the reader to entrust and trust. We are to entrust to God whatever we consider valuable in our lives. Why is it so hard for me to entrust Him with my hopes and dreams, loneliness, fears, addiction and longing for friendship? When will i learn to stop looking for clarity and just trust Him? I believe that is where i am in this wait right now. Learning to entrust and trust. Unfortunately it feels my failure keeps sending me back to the end of the line. God asks me to wait patiently. If i am to do that i must trust Him completely; His purposes, His plans, His promises and His timing. To this i cry out, "Lord, help my unbelief!".
