A Prayer for Restoration

Where is my faith? Where is my peace? Where is my joy? And where is my hope? All i really want, all i truly need can only be found in You. Apart from You i have no faith, no peace, no joy and i have no hope.

Why am i so fearful? Troubled? Downcast? Why do i feel so anxious?

Instead of running to You i find myself running from You.

I ask myself why i do this when i know that anything i put before You will only rob me of my joy and steal my peace. You want to restore these things to me and revive in me a calm heart and quiet spirit.

Still i find myself running...running away from You.

All i have to do is call Your name and You are there but the distractions are too much for me to bear. I wasn't meant to bear them alone but i keep trying...and it is a losing battle and i know it.

Finally i find myself, weary from the struggle. So tired of doing on my own-only to fail again.

Lord, i am calling on You now. My voice is weak but i know You hear me just the same.

Please lift me from this pit i have dug for myself and put my feet back on solid ground.

I need You, Lord. The battle is Yours and i am Yours too.

Why is Forgiveness so Difficult?

This question was posed on the Christian radio station that i listen to in the van. I really wanted to hear the answers of the viewers who called in but unfortunately i reached my destination before i got that chance.

It really got me thinking though and days later i am still thinking about it. Here are my thoughts:

I believe forgiveness is difficult because our memories come so easily, especially when we have been hurt or offended. Regardless of how much time may have passed, when we start remembering the emotions and the pain, whether it was physical or psychological, the memory seems so fresh. We may even bear scars-some heal, some don't. Some can be seen, others are buried inside. Whatever the pain, whatever the scars they are both very real.

Another reason i believe forgiveness is so difficult is that we confuse forgiveness with approval and we think that by forgiving someone we are condoning what they did. The fear is that the offense will be forgotten and justice will not be served.

For what it is worth that is my two cents. This is something that continues to make me think. I am sure i could say so much more about forgiveness and the difficulty of forgiving but i will just wrap it up by saying that without God's help forgiveness is impossible.

I hope to share more in the future...

If

Staring ahead, seeing nothing. Surrounded by sounds but i don’t hear anything. The sun is shining but i don’t recieve it’s warmth. Thoughts flood my mind but i refuse to think. If i see…if i hear…if i recieve…if i think…then i feel. If i feel i will hurt and if i hurt…i become vulnerable. If i trust You with the hurt will You earn my faith…or will You turn me away? Is Your love truly greater than my sin? My hurt? My shame? Will Your love be enough to take away my fear?

”Look around and see the love I show you. Listen closely and you will hear My voice calling to you. (Rev. 3:20) Accept My grace and let the hardness of your heart melt away. (Ez. 11:19) Bring your thoughts to me and I will give you a new way of thinking. (Col. 3:2) If you see…if you hear…if you recieve…if you think…then you will feel. If you let Me, I will heal your hurt. (Luke 4:18) Be vulnerable with Me. I’ll never let you down or turn you away. My love is so great nothing can seperate my love from you. No sin…No hurt…No shame. (Romans 8:38&39) My love is perfect and perfect love drives out fear. (1 Jn. 4:18) If you accept My love as truth the truth will set you free! “(Jn. 8:32)

To the Dreamer

What is the thing you desire that consumes your every waking thought and makes sleep difficult? What is it that fills your heart with passion? What stirs your emotions so deeply that you think you might explode? Is it a dream you have only just begun to allow yourself to dream? Maybe you’ve always had the potential but did not recognize it. Maybe you were told not to dream so you hid it away but that dream was just beneath the surface calling out to be set free. You supressed it for so long for so long that in time you forgot that dream and wondered what was that nagging in your soul. On the outside you would smile and hope no one would notice the tears. Then you got tired of the mask and wondered what life would be without it. The desire for change became greater than the fear of the unknown so you stepped into the light and began to remove the mask. At times you remembered your scars and wanted to cover up again. But it was your dream that made you put the mask back down. Without the mask you could see more clearly the truth you could not see before. The light was Christ and God was the One who gave you your dream. Free to dream you set out to be the dreamer God created you to be. So why now you worry and fret? What God has given as a gift you have allowed to become a burden. Your best intentions have become your worst nightmare because God did not expect you to be perfect, you put that unrealistic expectation on yourself. Just let God direct your steps, beautiful dreamer, and He will make the dreams He gave you come true

Through the fog

This is the view i woke up to this morning. It is much like the fog that has shrouded my thoughts and mental outlook these last few months. I don't know exactly when this latest bout of depression started but i do know it has lingered for quite a while.

Things have really come to a head in the last week as the past five nights i have awakened around two and not been able to get back to sleep. During this time i have tried to pray but end up getting mad at God and saying things that have opened my eyes to the severity of my emotional state. It is only after being completely honest with God and myself that i finally cry myself to sleep.

Depression is definitely not new to me but each time i go through a depression i learn something new about myself. I have tried to combat my depression in different ways: prayer, after awhile i don't know what to say anymore and prayer becomes more and more difficult which fuels the depression; busying myself with mindless activities-never works; binge eating-depresses me more; and isolating myself which adds anger and loneliness to my depression. I could go on but i think you get the picture.

I have avoided medication because the one time i did try it it reacted to another medication i was taking for epilepsy at the same time. Then everyone else has a horror story to share about someone they knew who took...(fill in the blanks)...and they...(fill in the blanks). Myself, being someone who has also always struggled with fear it doesn't take much to convince me not to try medication again.

Different doctors have talked to me about different medications available but i have always resisted. Then, yesterday i picked up the March 2009 copy of "Homelife" and read the story by Chonda Pierce where she tells of her struggle with depression. As she talked about the heaviness and the darkness of depression i knew i could have written those words myself. I have used those very words to describe what i have been feeling to my husband and to the different doctors i have talked with over the years.

When Chonda Pierce talks about being reluctant to try medication then deciding that she feared the darkness of depression more than she feared taking the medicine, i realized that is where i am now. After talking it over with my husband i called my doctor and now have an appointment on Monday.

So now i am looking at this picture of a foggy landscape and remembering how in a matter of time the sun came out, melted the fog away and brightened the world again. I believe the same is about to happen for me. For so long depression has clouded my view of life and of God but with His help and guidance and with the right medication the cloud can and will be lifted. I will see the sun again!

Another interesting thing about this picture is that it is beautiful in its own way. We may not wish for fog but when we can look at it from a different perspective than just seeing it as a nuisance we can see the beauty within. I did not ask for depression but because of depression i have come to see God's faithfulness and the love of God expressed through my family during very difficult circumstances. God is teaching me to see the beauty in all things and that is a lesson i am trying hard to learn and to pass on to others.

That is what i am doing now by sharing my story here. It is my hope to share more as the days go by. In the process i hope to hear from others that we can encourage each other.

My Last Post...for 2008, That is

As i mentioned in my last post, December has been a very busy month. What i did not mention is the challenge i accepted early this month and the spiritual attack that has come with that acceptance.
It has always been my desire to encourage others and openly share my struggles in the hope of helping others as they struggle too. On December 7 i was offered that opportunity. I was asked to facilitate a women's step study at my church. After talking it over with my husband and praying over it i gave my answer-yes! Since then i have been filled with such an odd mixture of excitement, fear and doubt. On the one hand, i do believe God has prepared me for such a moment as this. On the other hand, i remember all my failures and see all the room for improvement in my life. So this must be in some small way, how Moses felt when God confronted him and told him he was the one chosen to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land and Jeremiah when he was called to be a prophet. Not that i compare myself to these men but i do understand the feelings of inadequacey.
Then i think of my role as teacher and how i am forever learning as i teach the children. I expect my role as facilitator to be the same. God is not calling me to be perfect and to have all the answers. What He is calling me to do is to reach out to these women, love them and help them recognize God as their source of strength to overcome. And yes, throughout this process i will be learning and relearning...probably even more than i did when i went through the program myself last year.
In the meantime, i will be praying for the women who will be joining me this year as well as my co-facilitator-whoever she may be. I don't know yet but God does and i know He has us all covered.
Now, as i close this last post for 2008, i would like to wish everyone a blessed New Year and thank your for reading!

How do I Pray?

How do i pray for my food addiction? Do i pray for deliverance or do i pray for strength to bear? Is this the "thorn in the flesh" that i will always struggle with? Addiction, fear and anxiety keep me in prayer but i'm afraid i am not heeding the answer to those prayers. I fear that i may have to hit rock bottom before i truly learn my lesson. The thought scares me. Now i feel myself sinking deeper and deeper, my head is barely above the water and i am gasping for air. The harder i fight the more i drift. If i scream, will anyone hear me? I doubt i have the strength to try anyway. I want to rest, my mind and body are weary, but if i do rest i'll surely sink and be forgotten in the abyss. Could You tell me God, how do i pray?

As I Wait...

Though i am thoroughly convinced i am in waiting right now i'm not so sure exactly what it is i am waiting for but i feel it involves writing, photography, creativity and maybe even speaking. How can i make such a claim when at first i say i am not sure? I can say it because i have always dreamed of it and desired it while at the same time fearing it and believing i could never do it. Let's face it, i am not much of a talker. I get lost in a crowd and i am forever struggling with loneliness and feelings of inadequacy. Then there is also the overwhelming fear of failure. And as much as i hate to admit it, i deal with an eating disorder, or food addiction. Whatever you call it i've got it and have had it for as long as i can remember. To say i am dealing with it actually is not true. A more accurate statement would be, i give into it. I pray about it, ask forgiveness for it, promise not give in so easily but continue to fail every time. My prayer now goes like this: "God, i want to make the promise to stay in Your arms but the crushing reality of all my broken promises in the past prevent me from making any such bold claims now. Please forgive me for my failures and lack of trust. Help me to choose faithfulness and to remain faithful as You are faithful to me." So what does this have to do with my present wait? Everything! Week 5 of "When Wallflowers Dance" is titled, "Until It's Your Turn" and it deals with the whole subject of waiting. Day 2 of week 5 instructs the reader to entrust and trust. We are to entrust to God whatever we consider valuable in our lives. Why is it so hard for me to entrust Him with my hopes and dreams, loneliness, fears, addiction and longing for friendship? When will i learn to stop looking for clarity and just trust Him? I believe that is where i am in this wait right now. Learning to entrust and trust. Unfortunately it feels my failure keeps sending me back to the end of the line. God asks me to wait patiently. If i am to do that i must trust Him completely; His purposes, His plans, His promises and His timing. To this i cry out, "Lord, help my unbelief!".

Improvements Needed

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." Hebrews 12:1 What areas do you need to improve upon? I have to admit when i got to this part of the challenge i lost some of my enthusiasm. In my stinking perfectionist thinking i hear the word improvement and my first thought is, "You're no good.". Now perfectionism can affect a person in one of two ways: it will either push you into over-achieving or cause you to shrink in fear that you will never be good enough. I fall into the latter category. So number one on my list of improvements to be made is my way of thinking. Instead of looking inward i need to be looking upward. Number two on my list involves the use of time. I can be very selfish with my time. After homeschooling in the morning, cooking and cleaning in the afternoons and washing throughout the day all i want to do with whatever time is left is check my email, look at Facebook or blog. Most days that is how i "connect" with others. When i feel lonely, anxious or depressed i turn to food to numb these emotions. One way or the other i feel like i am going to explode. At least an escape to the computer keeps me out of the kitchen...for awhile. Guess you have figured out number three! Number four would probably be learning to be still. That's another hard one for me. I have been accused more than once of having ADD and OCD. What does that tell you? Organization also comes to mind. I have never been accused of being organized. People with organizational skills astound me. How i wish some of that skill would rub off on me! And number six? Getting to bed earlier! All these improvements require discipline-number seven. This is where perfectionism can kick in and i can throw my hands in the air and say, "I'll never get it!". But i don't want to do that anymore. Instead i will refer to a church sign i spotted yesterday as i drove home from an errand, "When you are through improving, you are through". Could this be what the writer of Hebrews was talking about? If we are to finish this race on top aren't we continually making the necessary improvements to get there? Life is about improving but we can not make those improvements on our own. God shows us where we need to improve and then He says, "Let Me help you." Thank you, Father, for showing me, Your child, the areas of needed improvement in my life. Help me to run this race with endurance.

Remember the Little Girl

I asked God this week exactly when i stopped dancing. When did fear rob me of my sense of adventure and turn me into the wallflower who desperately wants to be noticed but is so afraid of being seen? The thought that kept coming to me was this, "Remember the little girl". One thing i have never been able to forget is the little girl. That little girl was and is me. Though by all outward appearances i am a woman, the little girl is still trapped inside. This little girl stopped dancing the day Grandmama died. I was 8 years old. Grandmama was my world, my best friend and the one who always told me i could do or be anything i put my mind to. She made me feel beautiful and special. Grandmama also nurtured my love for music and dance. She paid for my dance lessons and sewed my costumes for recital. At Christmas she would play "Little Drummer Boy" over and over for me. She must have tired of it but because i loved the song and requested it time after time whe would patiently pick up the needle and place it in just the right spot and the music would start all over again. My last memory of Grandmama is of walking through the airport, where we took her and Grandaddy to board a plane for California to visit my cousins. It was her birthday and Mama had baked her a cake so we had a little celebration before leaving for the airport. As Grandmama and i walked through the airport we were making plans of things we do when she returned. We never got the chance. Grandmama died of a stroke as their plane flew over Texas. Mama and Daddy woke my sister and me with the news. A lot of what happened after that is a blur. I went to the funeral home to see Grandmama one last time and she looked like she was sleeping. Two women behind me whispered, "She wants to touch her". Funny, the things i remember so many years later. I didn't go to the funeral. I couldn't, it hurt too much. Mama told me i would regret it if i did not go. She was right but i couldn't see that at the time. All i did know was that i was hurting very deeply and it is a hurt i have never overcome but with the passage of time the hurt has become such a part of me that it is all i have known for almost 30 years. This hurt has caused me to live in constant fear and to retreat from others. Since that time i have put people into two catergories: those i could never please and would never love me and those who maybe cared but for some reason would never stay around. I became a real people pleaser because i didn't want to disappoint or draw attention to myself yet i never lost the longing to be beautiful and to be noticed. Somewhere along the way i convinced myself that i must not let others see my hurt and know my pain. To numb the pain, i turned to food. It has never worked but i keep going back to it anyway. In all of this i also lost sight of who i am. Until yesterday i didn't even realize the anger i felt towards God. So there were no classes at Front Porch Academy yesterday because i was learning to grieve. It has been like losing Grandmama all over again and i am so frustrated because since i have suppressed it for so long i can't even cry like i want. Writing this has helped release some healing tears but there is still a "wall" that must come down. In between crying out to God and asking "why" i am also asking Him to show me how to bring down this wall. In my turmoil i have been turning to the food as usual and i can't help but feel that that may be at least part of the wall. In the meantime, the little girl is crying out for release and the thought occurs to me, "The little girl must be set free so the woman can dance". God, help me!

Monday Reflection

Today is Monday...again. The day i look back on the previous week and ask myself what i need to do differently for the following week. Sometimes my list is brief, sometimes it can be quite exhaustive. Sometimes i follow through, sometimes i have to make the same mistakes again before i finally get my act together. Yes, Monday is my day of reflection. It is good to have this often because my memory can be so short at times, especially when it comes to an honest evaluation of myself. In my time of reflection, i try to look at every area of my life: Am i being the wife and mother i need to be? What kind of teacher have i been(in and out of the classroom)? Have i been a good friend? How much time am i spending with God and in His Word? How i answer those first three questions rely heavily on how i answer the fourth question. If i get a negative answer on that one then all my other answers are going to be negative as well. I wish i could say i am disciplined and faithful when it comes to spending time in His presence and studying the Bible but the truth is i am not. Too often i let the very things that He wants to help me with get in the way of that time. Things like busyness,stress and feelings of unworthiness distract me to the point that they consume every bit of me. I do not like the person i am away from God. I am weak,selfish,easily angered,fearful...the list goes on and it does not get any better. It is in my time with God that i am strengthened,encouraged and filled with peace. This list also continues and inspires me to get up in the morning even though my body is telling me to stay where it is nice and warm and where i might get a few more moments of sleep. My soul is needing rest and nourishment. As long as i am recieving that from my Heavenly Father i can face whatever comes my way throughout the day. Well, that has been my reflection for this Monday morning. Thanks for letting me share with you. Hope we all spend more time with God this week.

No More Fear

What you see here is my little "creative corner". It is situated in a tiny spot in our classroom/study. Contained within my creative corner are watercolors, pastels, pencils, paintbrushes, various kinds of art paper and an assortment of craft supplies. It has taken me a few years to acquire everything. Unfortunately, there is still something missing: creativity. I do have my excuses: not enough time, need more room, no good ideas....so many excuses. The truth is, i am afraid. I'm afraid i won't be any good and everyone will know that i am no good. I am so afraid that i will find that it was my own wishful thinking and not God who told me i am an artist. It was just last week that i was talking with my oldest son, Brogan, who wants to be an archealogist. Even before seeing "Indiana Jones", he has enjoyed digging in the dirt around the house in search of lost treasures. So it surprised me when he announced he no longer wanted to be an archealogist. When i asked him why he told me he was afraid of being hurt or killed. First, i explained to him that "Indiana Jones" was a fictional character and though the movie was fun to watch it really didn't accurately portray the life of an archealogist. I assured him that archealogy might be interesting and pretty exciting but that i doubted he would be find himself in the struggles that Indy does in the movies. And because Brogan is so much like me when it comes to fears i told him that he shouln't let fear stand in the way of his dreams. I told him how God has given each of us talents and desires to do things that are sometimes difficult but when with His help we perservere He does great things through us. It was also time for me to share how i have let fear discourage me to the point that i have missed out, how it hurt to think of the time and talent wasted and how i still struggle. I hope Brogan and i both learn from our conversation. Help us, God, to give You our fears.