Gratitude Beats a Bad Attitude

For over a week now our Internet access has been spotty, to say the least. Most days we have had no service at all. Other days it has been extremely slow.

My first reaction to this issue was to become frustrated, then to get upset. None of this accomplished anything so i just learned to accept it though i still didn't like it. The thought finally occurred to me that things could be so much worse.

I still had my health, a roof over my head and a loving family. To let something like the lack of Internet service get me down was just ridiculous. I was being spoiled and ungrateful. The truth of the matter is my blessings far out weigh my petty inconveniences and gripes. How pathetic that it takes insignificant matters such as this to make me realize the significance of God's grace toward me.

Jeremy called to find out what the problem was and it turned out to something with our tower. He can explain it much better than i can. I just repeat what he tells me. Since talking with the right people the situation has improved though there are times when it is still problematic.

Well, we have done all we know to do at this point. For now there is nothing else we can do. But there is something i can do about my attitude and that is to take my thoughts captive and submit them to the authority of Christ and stop worrying about things i have no control over.

Maybe it isn't always the easiest thing to do but it is the very best thing to do and something i will be working on this week.

God's Reminders

It has been a month of ups(birthdays and celebration)and downs(sinus infections,sore throats and raspy voices). It has been a month of highs(in the 70's)and lows(in the teens). It has also been a month of lots of running and lots of rain. In all this hustle and bustle we have even managed to strip the kitchen floor of 3 layers of linoleum and finish the living room remodel...for the most part anyway. As much as i hate to admit it we did not get the Christmas tree up until Tuesday of last week.
Just recounting the events of the last four weeks wearies me. No wonder my mood has so often matched the weather that has dominated these days, gray and dark. Anyone reading this can imagine how busy i have been. Unfortunately in my busyness i have neglected my quiet time in the mornings, opting instead to roll back over in the comfort of my nice warm bed. It doesn't take too many mornings of this before anxiety and the feelings of overwhelm set in.
One night, before crawling in bed exhausted, i prayed and asked God to remind me of my need of Him to help me get up in the morning and back into His presence. Suddenly it hit me...that is what He was doing all along! All the anxiety and depression, all the feelings of being overwhelmed-all were reminders of the relationship i was neglecting-my relationship with my Heavenly Father. The two weeks since haven't always been easy but they have been rewarding as my quiet time has resumed and God is preparing me each day for whatever comes my way.
My days are still filled with activity. That may never change. But what has changed is my attitude and the way i face life's challenges. What is making that change is the few moments of quiet before the start of each day when i sit in the Father's presence and He fills me with His peace. I am so grateful for God's little reminders and pray i do not forget.

Sonshine and Rain

It has been raining in these parts most of the week. If it's not raining it's threatening rain. The sky is dark and gray. The ground has turned to mush. You could say things are pretty gloomy right now. The last thing i wanted to do this morning was take the dog out in this mess but somebody had to do it. So it was without great enthusiasm Fritz and i headed out the door. While we walked around the yard Fritz looked for the "right" spot to take care of his business. At this point i just want him to be done so we can get back inside. As i wait i do what i usually do when i am outside, i watch the sky. For the first few minutes i didn't see much...only clouds on top of clouds surrounded by more clouds on top of clouds. "How i miss the sun.", i think to myself. As if on cue, there is a break in the clouds. What do i see? The sun! Just a little at first, but then it rises above the clouds to shine down upon the earth for a few glorious moments. Not wanting to miss the opportunity, i run in to drop Fritz off at his bowl and grab my camera. Yes, the sun is still shining when i come out and i am able to get a few shots before returning inside, feeling refreshed and hopeful. Though the sun did disappear from view after a few more minutes and the clouds returned for the remainder of the day, that small glimpse of radiance filled me with assurance that though i cannot always see it the sun always shines and i will see it again. And isn't this the way it is with life? Clouds and rain enter our existence in the form of trials, hardships and other trying circumstances. They linger a while and we doubt that the Son is there. All we see are dark skies and feel the chill all around us. We wonder if we will ever see the Son again. Then right when we feel we can't go on, the Son gives us a glimpse of His glory and we are revived and once again hopeful. Even though the clouds may remain and the rain may continue to fall, we know that the Son still shines! We may not always see Him as we wish we could but we can rest assured HE IS THERE and His eyes are upon us. The storms of this life WILL someday pass for all eternity and when they do the Son will shine in all His glory for all the world to see...never to be hidden again.

"Again, a new commandment I write to you, which thing is true in Him and in you, because the darkness is passing away, and the true light is already shining." 1John 2:8

Remember the Little Girl

I asked God this week exactly when i stopped dancing. When did fear rob me of my sense of adventure and turn me into the wallflower who desperately wants to be noticed but is so afraid of being seen? The thought that kept coming to me was this, "Remember the little girl". One thing i have never been able to forget is the little girl. That little girl was and is me. Though by all outward appearances i am a woman, the little girl is still trapped inside. This little girl stopped dancing the day Grandmama died. I was 8 years old. Grandmama was my world, my best friend and the one who always told me i could do or be anything i put my mind to. She made me feel beautiful and special. Grandmama also nurtured my love for music and dance. She paid for my dance lessons and sewed my costumes for recital. At Christmas she would play "Little Drummer Boy" over and over for me. She must have tired of it but because i loved the song and requested it time after time whe would patiently pick up the needle and place it in just the right spot and the music would start all over again. My last memory of Grandmama is of walking through the airport, where we took her and Grandaddy to board a plane for California to visit my cousins. It was her birthday and Mama had baked her a cake so we had a little celebration before leaving for the airport. As Grandmama and i walked through the airport we were making plans of things we do when she returned. We never got the chance. Grandmama died of a stroke as their plane flew over Texas. Mama and Daddy woke my sister and me with the news. A lot of what happened after that is a blur. I went to the funeral home to see Grandmama one last time and she looked like she was sleeping. Two women behind me whispered, "She wants to touch her". Funny, the things i remember so many years later. I didn't go to the funeral. I couldn't, it hurt too much. Mama told me i would regret it if i did not go. She was right but i couldn't see that at the time. All i did know was that i was hurting very deeply and it is a hurt i have never overcome but with the passage of time the hurt has become such a part of me that it is all i have known for almost 30 years. This hurt has caused me to live in constant fear and to retreat from others. Since that time i have put people into two catergories: those i could never please and would never love me and those who maybe cared but for some reason would never stay around. I became a real people pleaser because i didn't want to disappoint or draw attention to myself yet i never lost the longing to be beautiful and to be noticed. Somewhere along the way i convinced myself that i must not let others see my hurt and know my pain. To numb the pain, i turned to food. It has never worked but i keep going back to it anyway. In all of this i also lost sight of who i am. Until yesterday i didn't even realize the anger i felt towards God. So there were no classes at Front Porch Academy yesterday because i was learning to grieve. It has been like losing Grandmama all over again and i am so frustrated because since i have suppressed it for so long i can't even cry like i want. Writing this has helped release some healing tears but there is still a "wall" that must come down. In between crying out to God and asking "why" i am also asking Him to show me how to bring down this wall. In my turmoil i have been turning to the food as usual and i can't help but feel that that may be at least part of the wall. In the meantime, the little girl is crying out for release and the thought occurs to me, "The little girl must be set free so the woman can dance". God, help me!