A Little Honesty

For three weeks now little else has occupied my mind besides homeschooling, which we start next week and Rachel's tenth birthday, which is Friday.
Both events fill me with excitement and anticipation. Mixed in with these emotions is anxiety as i try to pace myself and not overwhelm myself with crazy, unrealistic expectations.
The past few days i have been battling depression and tears. My usual reaction is to isolate myself but i know tomorrow i will be meeting with the women of my CR group. The thought frightens me and comforts me all at the same time. If it weren't for this beautiful group of women it would be so easy to shut the doors and stay home tomorrow but because i am the facilitator of the group they do depend on me to be there.
I love seeing everyone each week. I love hearing their stories and experiences. Even sharing my own "stuff" feels good. Honesty with people you trust does wonders for the heart and mind.
These meetings are the highlight of my week!
I really admire and respect these women. They encourage me. As i watch them grow i am strengthened. I think of them often as i struggle and i know if they can perservere with God's help then so can i.
I love them all like sisters.
So, tonight as i type this i am feeling much better about the junk of my life because i know i am not alone. I have my family, friends and God on my side.
The going may get tough but my God will never leave me and He will even put others to walk beside me.
Thank You, precious, loving Father!

To the Dreamer

What is the thing you desire that consumes your every waking thought and makes sleep difficult? What is it that fills your heart with passion? What stirs your emotions so deeply that you think you might explode? Is it a dream you have only just begun to allow yourself to dream? Maybe you’ve always had the potential but did not recognize it. Maybe you were told not to dream so you hid it away but that dream was just beneath the surface calling out to be set free. You supressed it for so long for so long that in time you forgot that dream and wondered what was that nagging in your soul. On the outside you would smile and hope no one would notice the tears. Then you got tired of the mask and wondered what life would be without it. The desire for change became greater than the fear of the unknown so you stepped into the light and began to remove the mask. At times you remembered your scars and wanted to cover up again. But it was your dream that made you put the mask back down. Without the mask you could see more clearly the truth you could not see before. The light was Christ and God was the One who gave you your dream. Free to dream you set out to be the dreamer God created you to be. So why now you worry and fret? What God has given as a gift you have allowed to become a burden. Your best intentions have become your worst nightmare because God did not expect you to be perfect, you put that unrealistic expectation on yourself. Just let God direct your steps, beautiful dreamer, and He will make the dreams He gave you come true

Getting to Know You

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
and are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
Psalm 139:1-4

Lord, Your knowledge of me goes much deeper than the color of my hair and eyes. Your awareness does not end with what i allow others to see or the things i say in prayer. You know what lies much deeper within: my heart, my thoughts, my past, present and future. Your knowledge is altogether perfect.
I cannot disappoint You. To be able to do that You would have to have expectations of me and to have expectations would suggest ignorance on Your part. This just cannot be possible.
So why do i run and why do i try to hide? Could it be my own foolish expectations of what a Heavenly Father must be? If i knew You as the psalmist did my knowledge of You would be more than just a head knowledge but heart knowledge. This is how i desire to know You, deeply, intimately and without reservation.
Teach me, Father, what it means to pursue You as You pursue me.