A Little Honesty

For three weeks now little else has occupied my mind besides homeschooling, which we start next week and Rachel's tenth birthday, which is Friday.
Both events fill me with excitement and anticipation. Mixed in with these emotions is anxiety as i try to pace myself and not overwhelm myself with crazy, unrealistic expectations.
The past few days i have been battling depression and tears. My usual reaction is to isolate myself but i know tomorrow i will be meeting with the women of my CR group. The thought frightens me and comforts me all at the same time. If it weren't for this beautiful group of women it would be so easy to shut the doors and stay home tomorrow but because i am the facilitator of the group they do depend on me to be there.
I love seeing everyone each week. I love hearing their stories and experiences. Even sharing my own "stuff" feels good. Honesty with people you trust does wonders for the heart and mind.
These meetings are the highlight of my week!
I really admire and respect these women. They encourage me. As i watch them grow i am strengthened. I think of them often as i struggle and i know if they can perservere with God's help then so can i.
I love them all like sisters.
So, tonight as i type this i am feeling much better about the junk of my life because i know i am not alone. I have my family, friends and God on my side.
The going may get tough but my God will never leave me and He will even put others to walk beside me.
Thank You, precious, loving Father!

I no longer wish to stand upon this shore where safety is no comfort anymore. I long to run against the breeze and leave this life of ease. Beyond the water's edge and into the crashing waves that is what my soul craves. To feel Your love wash over me and explore the depths of Your grace!

This Writer's Condition

I just want to apologize up front if i offend anyone but i can think of no better term to describe my frustration over the last month or so. It is a condition that hits me ever so often and when it does all i can think is i am "mentally constipated". In my head are all these ideas and thoughts but it seems there is no way of expressing them. Most people would probably refer to this as writer's block but constipation seems more appropriate to me. It is as if all my senses shut down while my mind goes into hyper-drive. Whether i try to speak it or write it i am met only with more frustration. So last week my condition actually came to a point where i started to really feel sorry for myself. The "constipation" was affecting every area of my life and not only was i suffering but so was everyone else who was around me any length of time. The kids had a grumpy teacher and my husband had a miserable wife. What comforted me at this time was this Scripture: "Also, the Spirit helps us with our weakness. We do not know how to pray as we should. But the Spirit himself speaks to God for us, even begs God for us with deep feelings that words cannot explain." Romans 8:26 What a relief to know that even as i struggled to find the words to say to God, the Spirit was speaking for me! How many times have i just thrown my arms up and said, "God, i just don't know."? How many times did i go to bed asking Him to just get me through the night? And how many times was i able to rest even though i still had no answers and words seemed to fall flat? I cannot tell you. But i can tell you this, the Spirit spoke and God sustained me. The fog is slowly lifting. It has always been my experience that there are times of fog. At these times my vision is very limited and what i can see doesn't always make a lot of sense. What i am learning through the fog is that God is still in control and He can see right through the fog. Nothing is hidden from Him. And where is He? He is guiding me every step of the way!

Facing the Fear

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The old saying goes, "Be careful what you wish for you just might get it." Well, the same can be said for prayer. "Be careful what you pray for you just might get it." This is so true for me right now. My prayer has been that God would help me confront my fears and with His help work through them. Since i have been saying this prayer God has continually been calling me out of my comfort zone. In one of my earlier posts i shared how fear has controlled me for so long. Since sharing that God has showed me just how much control i have given fear in my life. My first reaction is regret, then shame and then anger. With all these emotions building up inside i have turned to another old "frienemy", food. Prayer has become more difficult. Most days all i know to say is, "Help me, God." For awhile i believed God was cleaning His hands of me and turning me over to the sin i want so badly want to be freed of but lack the courage and faith to give over to Him. God is proving me wrong there. Instead, He is showing me how badly He disires my freedom as well. God has never stopped caring. He has never stopped listening and God has never stopped loving me. His love for me has never been based on my love for me or anyone else's love for me. What God is doing is preparing me and allowing me to see just how destructive my sin really is and in the process teaching me to lean on Him. I have tried so hard all my life to be strong on my own and hidden from everyone how insecure and frightened i really am. This has only made me weaker and more vulnerable. Now God is telling me to take down the walls and remove the masks. It isn't easy but He is getting me through. God is working on me. He tells me i am worth the time and He is redeeming the time i have wasted. In just the past couple of days God has called me to share with a close friend and with someone else i am only beginning to know,someone who has reached out to me and shown friendship despite the fact she hardly knows me. For these women i am very thankful and it is God to whom i am most grateful. No, He has not given up on me. And He asks that i do not give up either. Whatever He calls me to do in overcoming my fears it is by His strength i can do it!