Arise, Shine

“Arise,shine; For your light has come! And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you.” Isaiah 60:1

Thank You,God,for guiding me to this Scripture. As soon as i read it i knew it was what i needed to hear. God, You gave me my love of writing, art and other forms of expression and for awhile i really did enjoy writing and drawing whenever and on whatever i could. That was mostly as a child. As i got older i started looking at others and measuring myself against them. After that nothing i ever did was good enough in my eyes. Then fear set in so that even when i wanted to write or draw i wouldn’t because i had convinced myself i couldn’t do it-at least not the way i thought it should be done. Now i look back, all these years later, and i am filled with regret. Because of my regret i find myself trying to force creativity and that is just as bad as stifling it. I also still struggle with my crazy self-expectations. The trash can is filled with art that did not meet those expectations. Notebooks are filled with papers that contain words i have written but won’t share because they don’t sound “right” to me. These words from Isaiah really speak to me today because they remind me it is all it is all about You and not me. You give me what i need to rise and it is Your light that makes me shine. It is for Your glory that i am to write and create. Your hands guide the pen and pencil or whatever medium You desire. You are inspiration! This is what i have forgotten and i thank You, Father, for reminding me. Help me to remember.

Rachel's Request

Rachel asked me tonight if i would memorize Psalm 1 with her. She has been working at memorization for quite some time now but this is the first time she has tried to memorize a whole chapter.
I have memorized Scripture in the past but have not been as comitted as i would like to be or as i know i should be. I have been praying that God would help me get motivated once again. Rachel's request is, to me, an answer to prayer.
Together Rachel and i will read and review, share and encourage as we hide God's Word in our hearts. We will hold each other accountable. The memories we make together will be priceless and i hope it is something we will continue to do in the years to come. I am also very interested in the various methods we employ to maximize the learning experience. Perhaps i will even share those methods here to help others wanting to memorize Scripture!
In closing tonight i would like to share Psalm 1. It always helps me to write it (or type it) as i visualize it.

Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on His law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff that the wind blows away.
Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgement,
nor sinners in th assembly of the righteous.

For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous,
but the wicked will perish.

Anyone who cares to join Rachel and me feel free to jump right in with us! And if you have any ideas to share that help you memorize Scripture we would love to hear from you.

What to do?

Finally. A few moments of peace and quiet at the end of what has been a busy day in the midst of a hectic week.
It is during the crazy times such as this that i long for a less demanding schedule. But then i wonder what i would do if i had nowhere to go and nothing pressing to do.
Tonight was the last of the children's soccer games and next week will be our last week of school. It is difficult to say who is more excited, the children or me.
We all have some pretty big plans for our summer vacation. To keep our minds sharp we will continue our studies without the structured classroom setting. Trips to the library, parks and other places will provide nice, stimulating outings when we need them. There is also a week of VBS that everyone is looking forward to.
I am hoping to make lots of pictures and paint some masterpieces! I'm just kidding about the masterpieces but i am hoping to break out the paper, pencils and watercolors and see what kind of creations come from the inner artist who is screaming to be let out. My reading list is also growing and i want to start reading some of the many titles collecting on that list. I would also like to start writing and blogging again regularly. There is way too much on my mind to keep it all locked up inside.
Well, with all the plans we have summer should be anything but dull. And you know how plans are...there are sure to be some surprises along the way. The next few weeks should be interesting and i am looking forward to making the most of every one of them!

In the Shepherd's Hands

This week has been somewhat of an exercise in perserverance for me. Since going through my latest round of depression writing has become diffficult for me. Even as i take medication to balance those unruly chemicals i still struggle with expressing thoughts that are clearer now. Is this making any sense? If it is i don't see it yet.
On Monday i decided i was going to start writing again. It has been a slow process but believe it or not i do believe it is helping. Not everyday has been a writing day but in some way i have been able to express some of what i am feeling. On Wednesday it was a simple picture of a moth i found outside in the mud. I was fascinated by this moth because though it was surrounded by muck and mire it did not succumb to it's dire surroundings. After a few minutes of watching the moth work it's wings i witnessed it's flight. I want to be like that moth and rise above. That is what i was saying when i posted the picture.
Last night i was feeling anxious. It started with the accelerated heartbeat. The harder and faster it beat the more restless i became. In my mind i was trying to find the source of my anxiety but could find nothing. I tried my breathing techniques which worked for a while but the anxiety returned after a few minutes. By the kids bedtime i was more than ready for a few moments of peace and quiet. I wanted to write but couldn't. Then i remembered the picture of the Shepherd's hands that i had taken last summer at a friends house. The cool thing is i had been reading from Psalm 23 that morning. I believe God was telling me to bring my anxiety to Him. So with that i posted the picture and reminded myself that i was and am still in His loving hands. With that i went back and did what i should have done in the first place-i imagined myself in His arms as i told Him of my anxiety and worries.
This morning i am feeling much better. Will the anxiety return? It might. But if it does return i will not hold on to it so long. Instead i will put it into the mighty and capable hands of the God who loves and cares for me.
He is in control!

Looking up!

I have always compared my mind to a radio stuck between frequencies where the listener is hearing multiple voices, which are all garbled and make no sense. There are lyrics being sung and the tune may sound familiar but too warped to be enjoyable. Then on top of all this there is static...lots of static.The dial is broken and the volume is stuck on maximum. Since all of this is going on inside your head no one else can hear it nor can you really explain it.

My little "radio" has played for so long in this manner that i just figured it would always be that way. It has frustrated many efforts to communicate with others, my ability to think calmly and rationally and it has kept me up many hours while everyone else was sleeping. I am almost suprised when others cannot hear these things going on inside because to me it seems so loud.

When i talked with my doctor a couple of weeks ago i took my husband back with me. After suffering from depression for so long i forget what normal is. Depression has been my normal so much of my life. So i asked Jeremy to come back with me to tell his side of the story. The doctor listened to both of us and then he prescribed Effexor.

We left the office that day and i was afraid to get my hopes up but i tried it anyway. I'm glad i did.

I still have a way to go. My emotions are still evening out. There are still moments of anxiety and moments of numbness. Writing, which has always been so easy for me, continues to be an area of struggle. This is very hard on me.

The good news is my thinking is clearer. You would think that would be conducive to more writing but i just have to believe that will come in time.

Well, i have done what i set out to do-get some thoughts out. And for what it's worth, i am looking up!

As I Wait...

Though i am thoroughly convinced i am in waiting right now i'm not so sure exactly what it is i am waiting for but i feel it involves writing, photography, creativity and maybe even speaking. How can i make such a claim when at first i say i am not sure? I can say it because i have always dreamed of it and desired it while at the same time fearing it and believing i could never do it. Let's face it, i am not much of a talker. I get lost in a crowd and i am forever struggling with loneliness and feelings of inadequacy. Then there is also the overwhelming fear of failure. And as much as i hate to admit it, i deal with an eating disorder, or food addiction. Whatever you call it i've got it and have had it for as long as i can remember. To say i am dealing with it actually is not true. A more accurate statement would be, i give into it. I pray about it, ask forgiveness for it, promise not give in so easily but continue to fail every time. My prayer now goes like this: "God, i want to make the promise to stay in Your arms but the crushing reality of all my broken promises in the past prevent me from making any such bold claims now. Please forgive me for my failures and lack of trust. Help me to choose faithfulness and to remain faithful as You are faithful to me." So what does this have to do with my present wait? Everything! Week 5 of "When Wallflowers Dance" is titled, "Until It's Your Turn" and it deals with the whole subject of waiting. Day 2 of week 5 instructs the reader to entrust and trust. We are to entrust to God whatever we consider valuable in our lives. Why is it so hard for me to entrust Him with my hopes and dreams, loneliness, fears, addiction and longing for friendship? When will i learn to stop looking for clarity and just trust Him? I believe that is where i am in this wait right now. Learning to entrust and trust. Unfortunately it feels my failure keeps sending me back to the end of the line. God asks me to wait patiently. If i am to do that i must trust Him completely; His purposes, His plans, His promises and His timing. To this i cry out, "Lord, help my unbelief!".

Forgiveness

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13 Chapter 4 of "The Creative Call" deals with forgiveness. I don't know how many times i thought i have forgiven those who have hurt or offended me only to have resentment rise up and smack me in the face when i least expect it. As i read through this chapter many of those past hurts have resurfaced again. One of the first things we are instructed to do in the book is to write the names of people i need to forgive and then we are to write a letter to one of those people telling him or her what they have done to discourage my dream of becoming an artist. My list really wasn' t very long-4 names to be exact. One of those names is my own. I have been stalling on writing the letter because i couldn't decide which would be most beneficial. It probably doesn't matter anyway because i would be the only person to ever see the letter but i do have a way of making things more difficult than they need to be. Finally, i decided to take the matter to God in my quiet time this morning. As i wrote my thoughts down in my journal the realization came to me that the grievances i held against these people were the same grievances i hold against myself. The hurtful things they said or did are the same as i said or did against myself. Maybe their actions were even motivated by the same emotions i feel: fear, overwhelm and uncertainty. From this perspective i do feel more compassion than resentment and with compassion comes forgiveness. While i am not all there yet, i do feel hopeful. I am also hopeful that God will take care of my overwhelming feelings as long as i take them to Him first.